Originally Posted by sagency
K (my wife) and I have a few rules we agree to that help relationship life in general. One of those rules is:
No blowing up unless you've already articulated--in your out loud voice--what it is that is upsetting you.
In your story, you see the lack of a text as uncaring. Hubby and girl come home to find a fuming wife. To you, they're happy-go-lucky. To them, they walked into an explosion.
You see, they might not have processed how important their timeliness or a text is to you. Yes, one could argue this is common courtesy, but people need reminders and they need to know boundaries.
Instead, articulate the issue, state a suggested remedy, and get the people involved to acknowledge the plan going forward.
Many times if I screw something up, chances are I just had no idea and had I known, I would have tried to do it right the first time.
Thank you sooo much for the reminder about his intentions not being to be rude or hurtful or ncaring. I know my husband is a great guy. I have also found that my therapist I have been seeing for the last 10 years has not had the positive afect on my maarriage that I thought it was. I didn't really realize that my therapists telling me that my husband was "running away" from having to face a commitment to me by wanting to add partners, but after a VERY VERY hard night last night in which I didnt sleep on wink, since after the blowup my husband was very vry upset with me. He feels (and is correct) that as a student of psychology, as an adul, as a person in a loving relationship with ANYONE that my blowing up and yelling and screaming and storming out to leave everyonehere scared for my well being as well as the relationship as a whole and our individual relationships. I kept having this nagging voice of my mother saying "Don't be a freak!!" (I have always been a little lets say odd LOL) and after having a serious long cancer battle, starting a non profit from that experience, a life changing experience (not to mention relationship changing as far as my hmarriage, my husband, who's mother died from Cancer 2 months before I was diagnosed, didnt deal with my illness well as far as being the most supportive he could be. He took very good care of me when I was ome, but he had major fearsof being with me at the doctor, so he didnt go with me to chemo or any of my doctor appointments. Luckily I have a GREAT BFF who loves me for who I am, poly, mono, gay, straight, who went with me to all my appointments as well as took me to lunch before or after every one. SHe is older then my mother is, having children older then I am, but she herself in her marriage has had both open relationships as well as both her and her husband both having affairs on each other. She knows the terrain of rocky marriages and hers survived everyting the wringer put hers through) so I have had major resentments toward my husband. I asked him once again, for about the 50th time, why he abandoned me when I needed him most, and he said "I have given you the same explanation over and over, just because it isnt what you want to hear, I am not going to change my feelings just because you want me to say I had a different reason" which he was right about 100%. He wasnt right in his actions, he has apologized over and over for it, he has expressed shame in himself for not being able to handle the situation, and my holding it over his head is unfair, I either need to decide that he doesnt care about me based on that exerience which was EXTREMELY overwhelming to him, and leave him because I have too much respect to be with someone who doesnt care about me, which I know isnt in ay way the case. I was with him while he sat in a hospital while the Dr told him his mother was getting better and that she would be ok, he saw that dr as having lied to him, he hadnt really liked drs before, and after that experience, he felt that he couldnt not be sarcastic, rude, and even maybe mean to my dr after he tried to send me home from the ER without doing any tests when I went because I was sick. My husband saw one dr send me home with a "stomache virus that was causing a gas buildup" after having not done any kind of test on me, only to have my husband bring me tomache and intestines. My hsuabd by this point had a SEVERE anger toward anything ANY doctor would have to say to him. He felt this would have caused a issue with my treatment, and added stress to my life from him and my dr not getting along. When I look at it from that perspective, he actually made the right choice even if it wasnt the choice I wanted him to make at that time.
After this entire last night of fighting, crying, begging him to please communicate with me because he had shut down after I stormed off, he went to bed and wouldnt hold or touch either me or our girlfriend, I felt like I was loosing 2 relationships, and when I stormed off, I called and fired my therapist because "I need someone who is supportive of my choice in relationship and who doesnt think ym husband is a asshole who hates me when I know that isnt true" my therapist suggested that I not just stop suddenly a 10 year relationship with him and that he would help me transition to someone who is more understanding of my situation. He admitted that he hadnt realized that he was putting his own values and feelings about who I should be and how my life should be into the relationship and that the fact I had been seeing him for 10 years had caused a much much too "friendly versus theraputic" relationship. I dont know if I want to do this or not, but he has left our regularly scheduled appt time open this week and has invited me to come if I want to. By the time I had gotten to a point where I was at the end of my rope I felt like I had ended 3 relationships in one day, that I had ruined at least 3 peoples lives, that I had said things to our girlfriend that I could never unsay. I showed her this site, she is trustynatasha (hi baby!!) on here, and she and I talked after I read her some posts about blowups, about jealousy, about boundaries and she forgave me. My husband was a much harder sell to get back in the boat of slavaging this relationship. HE told me I had "broken him" and that he didnt want this relationship if this was the way it was going to be. He went to bed, she went to bed (we share a king bed, so they were in bed together) I spent the night going throught the depths of insecurity, depression, fear and OMG anxiety.
Over the 6 hours that they slept and I didnt, I thought about and read this site, I spent hours reading threads, not responding, but reading, reading about sharing, about how his love for her doesnt dimininsh his love for me. I realized that because my husband likes the "casual lets go get a woman also into casual sex and have sex with her" thing as well as wanting the LTR with another woman tor two (which we discussed would be a mutual among all decision of course) I felt the need to rein that casuality back, I wasnt ok with casual sex because I know too much about the mental damage that is done to women when they have casual sex experiences. When I gave it thought though I realized that it is no different then our girlfriend also being into the poly thing. She is also ok with casual sex, and they share that, I read something on a thread about how if I decide to rein in who he is as a person, rein in his sexual needs and desres, I need to be prepared for the consequences of that if he cheats because he doesnt feel ok with being open about his desires and needs. He has spent the last 15 years telling me that he doesnt even nessecarily need to be the one to pick the woman out. I have felt that since he always has been the one who goes out "hunting for unicorns" and I am not as forward (or god as for that matter) flirting and attracting woman, that is how it has always happened (I did find one woman who was NOT a ok person for us to be with, she was really not mentally stable, was in a marriage that was physcally abusive and had thought that getting into a relationship with us would be her "way out", because of the nature of abusive relationships, she went back to him. It hurt my husband and I both that she felt that her abusive husband was a better choice then 2 people who loved her unconditionally and would never intentionally hurt her.