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Old 07-17-2011, 01:37 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 62

Hi idrider!

I could relate to alot of what you were saying! I have been married to my wife for 20 years and we have always been known in everything as a couple - completely intertwined and entangled. We lived together, raised a family together, worked in the same business together, did our hobbies together, went on holidays together, and got involved in local community and church activities together, and had the majority of our friends together. That's alot of entanglement! We loved being seen as a "couple"...

Until the whole idea of poly came up, we had no idea how strong that entanglement was...

I have been the one to find out that by nature I am poly and my wife has really struggled to let go of our codependence. In fact, I have also struggled to let it go, but naturally have found it a little easier because I feel there is something to go to (not someone yet) but my wife has had to journey letting go of the entanglement.

We still want to be a couple and raise our family. We still love each other deeply. It is not an easy journey to hold on to our connection and a degree of entanglement while learning to have independence and some level of autonomy. There are no easy answers here. Relationships are about compromise in consideration of others in order to keep a depth of connection together...

My only reflection in reading your story is that I am not surprised that RBR may be wanting autonomy. Sometimes a response to codependence can be a pendulum swing the other way to want to be free of this. Only time will tell whether it is a pendulum swing that will eventually find a healthier balance between codependence and autonomy for your relationship, or whether the relationship is no longer compatible because the two of you have moved forward in different directions... My hope for my relationship with my wife is the former...

I wish you all the very best...
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