Sage, I do see your point. I hate that my husband is so overworked taking care of me through all this illness, and I wish there were ways I could lessen his load. I try to express my gratitude and appreciation in as many ways possible, as often as possible.
The massage did get me feeling well enough to have sex with my husband for the first time in a week or so. I do try to keep that intimacy going in spite of my illness, although I think I need it more than he does. Even when I can't do anything, I still tell him how much I wish I could. I try to let him know every day how sexy he is (he really, really is) and as far as a loving connection goes, ours is stronger than anything I have with anyone else.
My husband recognized that the massage day seemed to lead to a couple of days of less pain and more energy, which my whole family seemed to enjoy. We had friends over, I was able to talk and laugh more, we had some fun times with our kids. At the same time, it made my husband suggest that there is a psychosomatic element to my illness, as if I were using it as a tool for manipulation. (Doctors think I have an inflamed heart sac, which doesn't show up on tests, so no one can be certain that's the problem.) Basically, he doesn't want my friend to be making me feel better. Or he blames him for making me sick. I don't know. I talked about this situation pretty extensively with one holistic doctor, and in the end he didn't think it was the reason for my pain or lack of healing.
So how do I make this a win for my husband? From what I read here, when mono people make compromises for their poly partners they find some benefit in their partner's increased happiness, maybe increased sex drive, their overall well being. My husband seems to find that more threatening than anything else.
Everybody else's stories on these boards seem to make a lot of sense, but I can't figure my own life out here. Am I just being selfish?