Originally Posted by idrider47
And I completely agree, I don't want the hinge (RBR) to constantly have pressure like this, trying to decide who to do what with. This is what I don't understand. How do poly people do this successfully???
Well - again, like so many things that come up in a supposed 'poly' context, the 'how' of this is just a social skill we get better at with time. Hopefully !
Remember the kindergarten lesson - 'take turns' ? Sometimes that's what it comes down to. Once everyone gets over that fact that there IS some sharing going on here - the reality of that begins to sink in. That's where some of all this talk of 'communication' comes in. You gotta be talking things out. Plans, life, etc. making sure EVERYONE gets reminders that everyone is putting in the required effort for balance. Because it DOES take effort ! Until things have settled into an easy coasting pattern, you have to figure it out each time. And that won't happen automatically. Autopilot is non-existent here
That's why people mentioned the screwing it up 98% of the time at first. It's not because it's THAT difficult. Like I say - it's a basic social skill we probably learned in Jr High. What screws it up is we don't connect with the fact we HAVE to do it ! Especially when we've been spinning in a monogamous mode for years. So the ball gets dropped until too late. That's what happened in your example. RBR (for whatever reason) didn't think a race would be much of an attraction to you - so she never inquired. Then made an "uninformed" decision that then put her in a difficult spot ! We all know what "ASSume does - right ? Did it again.
So what can help in cases like this ?
A commitment to 'ask' next time, and that if there's a potential conflict of interest, then it's YOUR turn to be first in line
That IS what is difficult about being a hinge, poly in general, etc. You gotta be thinking all the damn time about how everyone is going to be affected by what you say and do. The more connections, the more thought required. It's a lot of work and why most experienced people will tell you that in general, 3 people in a relationship is about all that most of us could manage fairly. And why some people give up poly entirely. They just aren't up for the task !
You're doing great - hang in there !