As a final note: "How do poly people do this successfully???"
Easy... we fuck it all up. And then we try again and while aiming for fucking only 95% of it up. And then we try again aiming for 90% fuck-up. Success is a goal, but it's never a destination.
I was afraid of that answer but I was thinking that was probably what it was. Damn it! I figured all you smart polys would have written a "Polyamory for Dummies" book by now with this kind of stuff in it.
Rider and I talked about some things this afternoon. Some of the comments made were a bit off the mark of what was happening but that's OK because it's always good to hear the comments. They may be useful next time.
If anyone can give us examples of exactly how they do things in this situation, that would be great.