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Old 07-15-2011, 01:33 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Default Sagency's Guide to a Less Screwed-Up Life: Question #2

Life question #2
Is this a really question I want the answer to? (a.k.a. If there is no good answer, should I ask the question?)

Sometimes we seek things that do nothing but upset us when we would have been fine without ever asking. Humans are curious creatures. That curiosity isn't always helpful when it leads us to do things we know are hurtful. Yes, that hot pot will burn you--it's hot. Maybe it's best if we leave some things alone--maybe not forever, but maybe for right now is a good idea.

Example: The classic example is someone asking, "Do you love me?". There are two answers: yes and no. If the answer is "yes," why did you have to ask? Feeling insecure? Jealous? Needy? If the answer is "no," what now? Were you not happy without having to articulate the question? Did having an answer actually help? Can you not be mutually happy in the presence of someone else and not have to saddle it with potentially weighted words?

Example: For polys, "what did you do with X?" Some folks are fine with details. Some folks think about details and freak. Some need details to keep imaginations in check. We all learn over time what our comfort level is as far as detail goes. If you know that asking for details is realistically going to upset you, then perhaps you shouldn't. And if you know that a partner wants more or less detail, then perhaps you should set your communication to that level. Sometimes "Did you have fun?" "Yes, X send his/her regards." is plenty.
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