Mono-you are very right. There are many things for each of us to deal with. I am a much less private person than Maca though and am more comfortable just saying what I need to talk about, deal with or work though "with an audience" than he is.
Many of the issues plaguing him right now are quite personal and it's daunting for him to think about them, much less do so with both myself AND a counselor in the room. I can respect that.
We are scheduled to do every other week. One week together and one for him alone. If something does come up that I really feel I need to speak with the therapist alone to deal with I will for sure ask to do so, and this counselor seems quite on top of his game so to speak, so if HE feels like he and I need to meet alone I'm sure he will advise that as well.
But mostly I prefer that I just speak up in front of Maca from here on out. For two many years I've kept my mouth shut in an attempt to keep his heart safe and frankly-it doesn't work and it only hurts both of us. Since I know that to be my weakness-I think it's better for me to address my issues with him, not without him.
ANYWAY-we are definately not looking at this from a "Maca needs to get his shit together for us to stay married". Well-at least I'm not!
I know we have already made so much progress with our marriage and our life and I know we can make even more now that we are really working as a team.
The counseling appointment for maca went great (I'll leave details for him to share or not share as he see's fit). He came home and took ANOTHER chance by sharing the experience not only with me, but with C and me. It was a little unnerving for him-but of course C cares for him very much as well-and it went well. That gave him a little reassurance, and when my sister came home he shared it with her too. When we went to bed he commented that it felt good to be able to share things that were a little unnerving with all of us and get a good response. He's never really tried that before.
I'm amazed by how quickly things have come together with just 3 sessions together working on our communication and then this one session on his own too. There is no doubt in my mind that Maca and I will stay married. There is also no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together and my love for C doesn't in anyway change that truth. I also believe that the more we learn, the more we open up to one another and the closer we get the more amazing our life will become and the better it will be.
I worry for him when he's hurting. By my nature I want to take all those pains and wash them away-but that is part of how we got into the mess we got into, because I have to let HIM take the steps, not make the steps on his behalf!
I know he's scared-but he's learning quite quickly that unlike some other significant people in his life, I am not leaving him. I won't leave him for C and I won't leave him for anyone else or anything else either. He has nothing to fear on that account!!!
Thank you for befriending him-he needs more friends!