View Single Post
Old 07-14-2011, 07:13 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,564
Default The Healing Separation

Okay, well if you are set on separating, let me share something with you called the Healing Separation. I wanted this kind of agreement with my ex, but he just wanted to move immediately to divorce. I think, if there is hope of healing the relationship, the Healing Separation is a good direction to consider, or at least incoporating some elements of it into your negotiations:
The Healing Separation
By Bruce Fisher, Ed.D. and Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D.
On October 20, 2003

A Healing Separation is a structured time apart which can help a couple heal a relationship that isn't working. It can also help revitalize and renew a relationship that is working. The Healing Separation is designed to transform the basis of a love relationship, moving it from neediness to health. A successful Healing Separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth, and to creating healthier relationships with themselves and each other. Such a framework will allow them to carve out a new and more fulfilling relationship than they've known in the past.

The Healing Separation, like the old-style "trial separation," involves living apart for a while, with the decision as to whether or not to end the relationship put off until some future time. Unlike unplanned and unstructured separations, however, the Healing Separation is a working separation, in which you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth. If you can create a better relationship with yourself, that can allow different and healthier relationships with others.

Sometimes your work during a Healing Separation may be on "the old relationship," and sometimes it may be on "the old you." The Healing Separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners and build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership. Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
  1. To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

  2. To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

  3. To help me explore my basic relationship needs, and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

  4. To experience the social, sexual, economic, and parental stresses which can occur when I have separated from my partner.

  5. To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

  6. To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partner's issues in our relationship.

  7. To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.
Some structure and awareness can help improve the chances of success of the healing separation. Unplanned and unstructured separations will most likely contribute to the ending of the relationship. This healing separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines to help make the separation a more constructive and creative experience, and to greatly enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.

Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement
  1. Length of separation (Most couples have a sense of how long a separation they will need or want. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.)

  2. Time to Be Spent Together (A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis.)

  3. Personal Growth Experiences (Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful.)

  4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship (Ideally a joint decision and compromise should be made concerning social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship.)

  5. Living Arrangements (Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties continuing to live in the family home, results in a less creative experience. It seems to dilute the separation experience and keeps both parties from experiencing as much personal growth as is possible with separate living arrangements. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.)

  6. Financial Decisions (Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.)

  7. Motor Vehicles (It is suggested ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the love relationship.)

  8. Children (It is important when a couple does a Healing Separation to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.)

Adapted from REBUILDING: WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS, by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Published by Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, or phone 1-800-246-7228.
Author's Bio

BRUCE FISHER, ED.D. (1931-1998) developed the "rebuilding" model of divorce recovery nearly 25 years ago. Founder and director of the Family Relations Learning Center (Boulder, Colorado), he personally trained thousands of individuals and therapists in this approach, enriching the lives of hundreds of thousands worldwide. Popular divorce therapist, author, teacher, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.ROBERT E. ALBERTI, PH.D. is a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, Fellow (Psychotherapy) of the American Psychological Association, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and author/co-author of several books, including million-copy bestseller YOUR PERFECT RIGHT. His work has received international recognition as the "gold standard" for psychological self-help.
Source URL:
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 07-14-2011 at 07:17 PM.
Reply With Quote