Here's an update on what's been happening (below). These are copies of posts I put in the "New to Polyamory" section. You can look for it there if you'd like to read the excellent feedback (aka ass kicking) I got there. For any of you new to this or considering this, there are some really great people on this forum who give excellent advice.
It was a very, very dark day for Rider yesterday (see his threads and blog) but we've had a breakthrough. Today has dawned a new day and things are slowing down and back on track.
1 month and 1 day into open marriage
OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. Iíve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didnít have anyone at that point.
So, my relationship with E (my now boyfriend) has progressed to the point where we slept together for the first time a few days ago. Rider is freaking out. Heís had several meltdowns over the past 2 weeks and I have to admit some of them where not helped by my NRE insensitivity. Rider is seriously considering wanting to close the marriage.
I had originally said that if it wasnít working for one of us then we would close it. He had originally said that he didnít think we could unring the bell and that he believed I needed this, where he was content to be mono but poly opened up some interesting opportunities for him.
I love Rider SO much but unfortunately, he was right. I need this. E is not an experiment, he is a real person and I care for him very much. Rider is trying very hard to say and do the ďrightĒ things and be poly minded but he is suffering miserably. Everything in his life sucks right now (except our sex life). He canít sleep, etc...heís going under.
Rider has talked about closing the marriage, finding a way to survive him being mono and me being poly (this option doesnít seem to offer relief to his suffering) or ending the marriage. This frightens me. Why end the marriage? Why canít he believe and accept that I love him and that I want to be married to him? Why does it have to be all or nothing? He asks me why I couldnít have just been content with our very good marriage....he asks why I canít be now.....
We did have a very good marriage. The only thing he wanted was more sex. Our sex life was always good but he wanted more. Now we have sex 1-4 times a day and heís totally sexually fulfilled. So, I ask again.....why canít he accept that I love and want to be with him and bask in the sex? Nothing has changed between us. I still love him just as much. I still want to be married to him just as much AND weíre having the frequency of sex he wants. The only change is that I have E on the side who I can crash around in the mountains with and who I enjoy having sex with. Donít get me wrong, E and I are more than FWB but the point is, E takes nothing from Rider except the occasional times when we will want to do things when I would normally have been with Rider.
Rider cannot be everything I need even if I could be everything he needs. I like to crash around in the woods, sweat and be really active; itís not him. It is E. Why canít he love me enough to let me have that and be confident enough in my love for him that he can freely give me some time with E.
Rider is really struggling and says Iím being insensitive to him by spending time with E. Rider wants me to choose to stay with him instead since heís suffering. I told Rider that I was planning to go hiking with E today while he was at work and then I get a text from Rider saying that heís coming home from work early because he just canít handle all of this. I had already made plans with E. Now I have to be in the position again of denying myself the time I want and need to nurture this very new relationship and have to cancel on E OR go do what I was planning and want to do with E.
Hereís my dilemma- I need this open marriage thing. Is it selfish? What can I do to help Rider? I have recommended FreeTimeís thread to him because FreeTime suffered so much in a similar situation. I feel like itís just going to take time and Rider needs to breathe through it (yep, I know, sounds insensitive I know!). Itís only been 3 weeks since E and I started seeing each other and 2 of those weeks I was out of town. This is SOOOO new.
If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he wonít be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I donít want to prolong the pain. Iím at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled.
Thank you all for your comments. One of the things I love about this forum and its members is that no one pulls any punches. I knew Iíd get good comments and that if I was wrong youíd all tell me to pull my head out of my ass....well, I hope you heard the big popping sound....head extracted successfully- thank you all very much!
I had a good talk with E today and then read these comments and talked to Rider when I got home. E is very understanding and sympathetic to Rider and I heard you all loud and clear- slow down!!!
Rider and I are about to write down a few boundaries that apply for a short time while he gets comfortable with this whole thing. Iím sure you all can see that heís an amazing person and Iíd like to say for the record that I am extremely lucky to be married to a man who is willing to work with me through the pain, pain Iíve inflicted upon him.
You are all awesome! Thank you for your criticism, advice, wisdom, and compassion.
NeonKaos, you made us laugh! Weíve been on vacation for the past two weeks so no, we havenít been working or going to school or anything. Itís actually pretty easy to do...morning sex, breakfast, shower, after shower sex, lunch, nap, groggy afternoon sex, dinner, sex. Bang, 4 times! If we averaged about an hour per session that left us plenty of time in the day to fight with family members at our reunion/vacation. See, easy peezy.
Chimera, the trick is lots of lube. I guess itís like anything, you build up a tolerance.
Take care all and thanks for turning a really shitty day in a really productive day and one that even included some humor.