So I told my new far-away-nearby SweetiePie about Derek, who basically pushed me away so very long ago, Derek who it was impossible not to love, to fall in love with. I had gone to visit with him in San Francisco, where he lived, and I was so in love with him. I had travelled far to be with him a while. (We were little more than puppies way back then, about seventeen years ago. Wet behind the ears puppies.)
... Anyway, he was something of a cold fish toward me most of my visit. We shared a bed and he would not hold me or be held. I did get some kisses at a restaraunt, though!
But, overall, I was being rejected. Pushed away. And it broke my heart.
We had met up in Oregon some months before, and there is where I fell in love with Derek. And I got to hold him there bunches and kiss and sleep with him ... spooning....
This was so long ago!
Anyway, after talking with my SweetiePie about Derek I decided one more time to see if I could track him down and make contact with him. This time I was successful. I learned where he lived and how to contact him, and sent him email. He responded! We're back in communication! Wow!
He had a drug addiction problem, he had told me the last time I'd seen him, after he'd pushed me away in San Francisco. He had it bad, and cried with me as he said that it would kill him if he didn't kick it. People push people away when they are hurting and scared. Shit, we were both hurting and scared wet behind the ears puppies (and cute!) back then. (He's still cute!)
He told me yesterday that he loves me. He wants to talk on the phone next week (He's on vacation away from home and we're communicating on FaceBook and email.) He said he'd like to come visit me here in Santa Fe. (He lives on the East coast now.)
After much confusion and tears and sobbing I came to realize that I've never stopped being in love with Derek. It's such an amazing thing! All of these years I have been in love with Derek. I will, in fact, always be in love with Derek.
What sort of relationship we might have? I sure don't know. Maybe we can be in love and not see each other often? Maybe we'll "date"? Maybe we'll be close friends? Maybe we will be lovers and romantic partners? (Gawd! I already have two! (And one of those lives in freaking Minnesota!) Is the universe being too generous?!)
I never dreamed I might have three loves all at once.
I'm going to have to cut this off at three, Ms Universe! Are you hearing me, Goddess!? I can handle a maximum of three Great Loves right now. Please stop sending me abundance in this particular realm of my life. Don't get me wrong, HeartOfTheCosmos, I'm much appreciative. I have much gratitude. But I am human. So knock it off, okay. Give me land to build a community on. Give me a briefcase full of cash. Heal my heart and soul some more. But no more lovers, okay! Thank you so much! I love you! You're the best. I'd do anything for you. You know that.