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Old 07-13-2011, 09:46 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133

Guy to guy here:
One thing I've learned as a dude is that we are programmed to fix things. When there's a problem, we want to find and apply a solution as quickly as possible. If we get hurt, we want to punch a wall, say bad things about someone's lineage and personal habits, and move on.

It turns out that those impulses don't always help.

The "fix it" impulse...
You write that she's overwhelmed and that you have a constant need for information. This is likely making things rough on everyone, and it adds a lot of pressure. She may not be able to give you the updates you want because she doesn't know what they are, she hasn't processed them herself, or she's too tired to articulate them in a way that makes sense.

The "punch it" impulse...
Naturally, if things are uncertain and upsetting, the simplest thing to do is just burn the whole thing down and start over, right? Whoa there. I hear an awful lot of fear in your words. I don't think you want fear to take over when you're talking about "a great sex life, emotional connections, family, a future together."

Just yesterday you were optimistic, considering couseling, and recognizing some jealousy issues. (Jealousy, IMHO, is a fear that someone has what you should have.) You did reserve the right to freak out today. It seems that was a good call. But do you think that maybe you wrote that because you knew you were struggling? So today's freak out isn't that big a shock. (I find things I can predict are less scary than things that surprise me.)

It seems to me that you're adjusting to your new situation. Thinking about radical changes is just adding more change when you haven't settle one change. I worry that your impulse may cause more harm than good and that it's more impulse than what you really want.

Sitting back might help. I'm not saying sit for long. But if the wife is feeling a lot of pressure, giving her some space right now might be helpful. Consider doing something that you find relaxing that helps you keep your mind busy. Consider suggesting she do something relaxing, too. You've been together 19 years, so it's ok if you sleep on things for a little while.

Let us know if you need anything. *hug* or *punch* (whichever helps you feel better)
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