Thanks for your thoughts Magdlyn. I very much appreciate them! Some answers to your questions and some addtional comments are below.
The iother guy (lets call him T from now on) and I get along great. He is respectful of me and her. So there is no fear of yelling, screaming, violence. He an I never sat down alone, but I did speak with him on the phone and the conversation was fine. I think my wife thinks that I may just explode if it gets too hard so she asked that she be the one to make the conenctions between T and me. I can respect that, however I really wont explode on him.
I do think she would hate me if I was to cause the end of her relationship with T. She has been unhappy for quite a while (off and on) becuase of the demands of my job. She was resentful of my not being home and her not having any help with the kids. Which is quite understandable given their schedules! She now feels like she can have me and not hate me for my job because she is not stuck alone while I am away. It makes sense to me.
I am really worried that she isn't investing enough passion into keeping our side of it exciting. She says she loves me, is in love with me, is atteacted to meand wants to be married forever. But I think a combination of stress at her work, plus the excitement of the new relationship with him has her distracted. So I am left wondering and hoping all is ok (even though she says it is and I believe her). I cant help my feelings when I think "why cant she just give me a hug now?".
I love your 'Established Relationship Energy'. I think that two peolple that have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 and have really kept the spark alive is extremely sexy!
Thank you again. You and the rest of the people responding are really helping me and it is appreciated.