You know. Sometimes things are not what they seem.
Some stuff that goes on for us is not repeatable on a public forum, but two things happened tonight that I think will shed some light on stuff that happens that I don't usually talk about. They might show that our poly life is not always the image of perfection from this end. I thought I would bring them up as they are small and can be used as an example that sometimes we struggle together. Other things come and go, but they are too personal.
Tonight PN got home before any of us. This is very unusual as he works later than Mono and I and I usually get the boy after work sometime. Usually Mono and I have a couple of hours together whereby we do dishes, chat, have tea, nap, have sex, and do a number of other things together. Tonight was different.
Mono is working late all week and so I decided that rather than come home I would stay out at a coffee shop and catch up on here and do some other on-line related stuff. I was home after I picked the boy up and PN had already started the nightly routine. I had several bags to carry in from the car and as Mono had just walked up from the base he helped me carry some stuff. I checked the mail on the way in and there was a letter for him. I traded it for the bags he was carrying and he went off around the side of the house to put the garbage cans away.
When I came in I noticed two letters on the side table for me so I brought them threw to the kitchen where PN was making his lunch for tomorrow and asked him why he brought my mail in and not Mono's. I was tired, hungry and after this weekend where some stuff happened that made me feel that PN had been pushed past his comfort level was a bit on edge and suspect of the action. PN told me he never brings Mono's mail in and that he could get it himself from the mail box. He said it makes him feel anxious looking after his mail as there is no procedure around making sure he gets it so he would rather leave it in the box.
By the end of the heated/on edge discussion I had told him that he is never around to pick mail up and that I usually do it and that Mono I don't think has ever collected the mail so wouldn't expect it to be there so why don't I take over picking up the mail every day. He told me that I could do that if I want but that by request, he would talk to Mono about setting up an arrangement with him about who collects the mail (for the one time a year that he has to face what to do about mail pick up *sarcasm added*
). I asked him if he was harbouring some ill will and if this mail thing actually had something else behind it. He said it didn't, and that he did have anxiety about picking up other peoples mail.
It becomes obvious to me sometimes that PN is not where I am or Mono is about the arrangement we have. He sees him as a tenant I think sometimes. I thought he saw him as a roommate who happens to be a metamour, but no, I think he is waaaaay behind on getting with the program that Mono and I are on. I forget that he doesn't ever go downstairs to see Mono or hang out, I do. I forget that he doesn't see him all that much as we don't have family dinners together as much as when he first moved in and that really, when PN comes home I am usually present with him until he goes to bed and then I hang out with Mono again. He really doesn't have much to do with him on a day to day basis. That troubles me... It makes me nervous. It makes me nervous that the two of them would not be friends if I was not in the picture. It makes me nervous that really, sometimes I think PN just sucks stuff up because he doesn't see that he has a say in what goes on even though he does and I tell him that.
There isn't much I can do, but just be aware all the time that things are never what I think they are. Relying on being comfortable is never an option. If I get to comfy, there is usually something I just am not aware of yet.
On top of this Mono was joking with me that he used to take vacation time and not tell his wife because he didn't want her do list of stuff to do. She would ask if he was going to work today and he would say "nah, I have today off." He thought that really funny, but I was concerned about that. Ya, I see its funny, but it concerns me that if this man of mine starts doing that with me it will be a slippery slope to us losing connection.
Mono has no reason to think that he can't take time off and just do what ever he wants. Everything with me is negotiable. I don't make any demands. I make requests all the time that he either says yes or no to, yet he seems to think that he should feel guilty for wanting and needing to do his own thing. He gets all defiant and defensive and that is what pisses me off because it isn't necessary.
I have explained to him that transitions are hard for me, that I miss him when he goes off on his bike all afternoon with his friends, but that does not mean I don't have compersion for him and don't want him to do it. I just need to be able to express that I struggle sometimes and my way of dealing with it is to sometimes pull away (wow that bike is sounding like a girlfriend!
This thing he did with his wife would not ever be okay with me. It would mean that there would be a lot of talking and communicating to follow and I would be very sad and disappointed that he can't come to me and just tell me he is taking time off for himself.
I feel rather out of sorts tonight and like there is a bit of a lean in the balance somewhere. My world sometimes wobbles somehow and I am reminded of how easily that can happen. How easily there could be a topple if stuff wasn't dealt with right away.
I did talk it all out with both the guys... at the expense of not being able to chat to Derby tonight much or anyone else for that matter. More tilts there.
Sometimes things are not as they seem. I am good at keeping the balance, but I can tell you.... its sometimes freakin hard and I just want to run away and pull the blankets up over my head and tell everyone to just fuck off and leave me alone.