Thread: My new Ai-jin
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:45 AM
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ramfish ramfish is offline
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Default My new Ai-jin

So I saw this blog section and thought "perfect". I've been thinking about how I would like to organize all my thoughts and keep a kind of journal of things that have been going on to help me keep my head on straight...so this is exciting.

SO my husband and I started considering polyamory as a lifestyle choice about this time last year. We had a good friend who was poly and we got involved with him. Unfortunately, though the experience went well for a few months, it ended badly. He cut off contact with us in early January with no explanation for over a month. We let it go for that long because we knew he was busy, has a family of his own, etc. When we finally confronted him by calling and leaving a message along the lines of "what the hell? why are you doing this? " he blew up at us. Needless to say it left me somewhat distraught. My husband was just plain angry. It's been hard to get past that poor experience but even though I tried not to relate it to the practice of polyamory, it still affected my willingness to continue because of this first bad experience.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm giving it another go. We recently moved to the other side of the state. I'm going back to school and it's been a nice fresh start for us (we were in a rut for a long time with our jobs). So while I'm going around campus looking for people to meet, make new friends, etc. I'm a Japanese major and I met J-kun in my Japanese class. He is, of course, also a Japanese major.

He's a funny guy, who even though he looks kinda young is actually a year older than me. It took me a few weeks to warm up to most of the people on campus, just because I'm always afraid people will get the wrong impression and I'll scare them off. However I kept running into J-kun all the time. It's taken almost a month, but we hung out a few times, even went to a movie (Zombieland has become an instant hit on campus, it seems). He's very friendly too, which is what has made it so easy to get to know him.

J-kun is one of those guys who can't get a decent break. I mean, we've all had our drama, but I hear his stories and I just want to give him a big hug and tell him someone out there loves him. I often wonder what things would be like if I weren't married, however I am. That will never change. I can't really imagine my life without my husband, I love him a lot, I can tell him everything. So even though I was a little weary from the bad experience earlier this year, I gave it a few weeks before I really let the idea start to sink in. And as I got to know him a little better it was becoming pretty clear that I was defiantly into him...it was just a matter of finding out if the feeling would be mutual in the kind of way that would make anything with him possible.

Well it didn't take long. I already knew he was into me, he has said more than once "where were you three years ago?" Course, three years ago I was engaged but that's beside the point. He was already comfortable enough to flirt with me/tease the married girl so when the discussion of breast size came up and I mentioned I wished mine were bigger, he said they were fine...backed up, laughing he shouldn't say something like that to another man's wife...but then for all he knew we had an open relationship. Viola.

Really the reason why I waited so long was I like him a lot as a friend. And even though I might fantasize about him I didn't want to make the suggestions we sleep together casually and freak him out, ending a potential friendship. I'm still worried about our relationship as friends. This is by no means a happy ending...it's a happy beginning. This only happened this week...and I just need a way to keep track of what goes on...I get kinda forgetful (especially when I'm emotional in any way).

Granted, the hubby does a great job of listening. He helps me keep my feet on the ground and have a point of reference when it comes to complicated things like this. So I will hopefully be a good girl and continue to post my thoughts in here...since things are guaranteed to grow, change, and having a way to attempt to map things out will hopefully help me get through these first few bumpy stages.
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