Thanks for replying (to everyone who did!)
>Even if D is precise in what he gives the three of you (your story says >otherwise), your individual perceptions may highten differences.
Individual perceptions not only heighten the real differences - i.e. time together, attention, sex, etc - they also heighten words or actions that would seem to indicate a difference. For example, we all attended an event a few Saturdays ago. The 3 of us girls had agreed to ride together. I'd spent Friday night with D, so I rode with him to a gas station to ride with them the rest of the trip. He suggested that I ride back with him so none of us would have to stop for me to exchange cars. (We were outside all day in awful heat and were all hot and sweaty and wanting a shower.) Ka got very upset and said this showed favoritism to me. I know that wasn't the case in this instance, but even if it was, so what? There will be times when he prefers my company over hers, just as there will be time when he prefers her company over mine.
I've never expected nor wanted a tit-for-tat in regards to time, attention, sex or anything else. What I do want is balance. I don't want to starve for weeks, while they feast! This has only happened once in 3 years, but I was deeply hurt by it, so I am hypersensitive to the possibility of it happening again.
>As for the question if mono or poly, you're in a poly situation. If it quandary >like a duck and has multipleoving partners like a duck, it's probably a poly >duck. You may be mono-inclined poly or poly-friendly mono, but the >important part is you're looking for answers.
I agree that the relationship is poly and it's new ground for me; for all of us. I've been learning to relate within that paradigm and it's been like learning a foreign language and adapting to a foreign culture. And while D has had multiple relationships his entire adult life, this situation is different than any other he's experienced. We've all had a learning curve!
>The question I have for you is simple: what do you want to achieve? Where >in life do you want to be? What does your future look like with D? And how >dies it look if he were gone tomorrow?
Lol. Definitely not simple! I want to be happy in my personal and professional lives. I want to be where I am, but always learning and growing. An ideal future with D includes some form of shared living. Either a large single home where each of us has our own "apartment" or smaller multiple homes that are next door to each other. D owns a large parcel of land so it's doable in that sense, but not financially feasible right now. And we're not ready for that step anyway.
If D were gone tomorrow, I would be incredibly upset, hurt and sad. I would grieve the loss of our relationship in it's current form. I know we'd be friends after the process of letting go of the current relationship so we could form a different one. My life wouldn't be over and I'm sure that I would eventually love again, but it wouldn't be a quick or easy process.
>Your case sound like a classic poly tug-of-war. There's obvious hierarchy, >but it's confused by mixed messaging. Know where you want to be could >help thus group get you there.
D doesn't consider it a hierarchy in terms of what he feels for us. And he doesn't even consider it to mean anything that Ka is with him more than either Ki or myself. She simply has the time, whereas we don't. He doesn't measure the importance or value of an individual relationship by the quantity of him spends with that person, but rather the quality. I intellectually understand that, but emotionally struggle with it. Plus, I think there has to be sufficient quantity to have real quality.