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Old 07-11-2011, 12:56 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
Ki has the bigger problem with time than I do. I can understand that - she doesn't have any alone time with D. I've suggested that he take her to dinner alone at least once a month, but ultimately that issue is between the two of them. I just don’t like to be hit with the fall-out! She also feels that he treats her differently than he does me and Ka. And that he doesn't tell her the things that he tells us. She feels less valued to him than Ka or me. I don't know how to address that or if it's even my place to do so.
It reads as Ki has somewhat of an FWB or tertiary partner status in D's life. Nothing much you can do about it, and little that you should. D seems by your description to be less interested in her as a person and more in it for the kicks he gets out of two women together (and why would they do threesomes if they are straight anyway? That is besides the point, but still).

You don't have to deal with the fallout. Just say you are not interested, and she needs to discuss things with D, since you can't do anything about their relationship. Tough love, firm boundaries etc.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
As for Ka, she admitted a few weeks ago that she is still jealous of me. Guess I'll digress… When D and I first started seeing each other, he was already having problems with both Ka and Ki which had nothing to do with me. I did not know about this nor did I know that he wasn't really spending much time either of them. I found this out about 9 months ago. Now, I did reap the benefits at the beginning of our relationship. We were spending more time together, going places together and having more sex. Knowing that, I can understand why Ka, and Ki for that matter, would have been jealous of me THEN. With the current dynamics, I can understand why Ki feels the way she does. But, for the life of me, I just can not figure out why Ka is still jealous or me when she has more time with D AND has more sex with D than I do. It truly baffles me. And it baffles D too. The only thing I can think is that she thinks that D loves me "more" than he loves her.
Probably a combination of you being the newest addition to the mix, feeling of insecurity (why would anyone need a third ), the fact that she and Ki are friends and more involved on every level with each other than you are with them.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
We all discussed and agreed that it's not a problem if any of us text or call when another is there. Week before last, D asked Ka why she doesn't keep the ringer on her phone turned up. She told him that she thinks it's rude to be on the phone with other people when she's there like Ki does. And that she thinks it's rude that D and I text when she is there. (And it's not constant!) If that's the case why did she then text D Saturday before last, knowing that I was there? That points to the biggest issue I have with Ka: She has a double standard and wants one set of "rules" for her, but another for me. I'm debating about discussing this with her, but don't want to open a huge can of worms…
Ka sounds like she agrees to things for the fear of losing D that she is really not comfortable with, and then reacts with passive aggression when she starts feeling too uncomfortable.

And the worms are wiggling out their from the can as it is. Nothing compares to good communication. Though I think rather than come to Ka and say "I feel you have a double-standard when it comes to me" to say something more like "I am concerned that when we agree on something, you don't seem comfortable enough to voice your opinions, and I fear it might be building resentment between us" might be the beginning of a lot less defensive conversation.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I don't think Ki and Ka have done much, if any, of this research and/or soul-searching.
Good for you! Your journey is yours, you don't need to compare it with anyone else's. If you feel you have sacrificed for this relationship, you need to own up to it and not blame others for making you compromise.

Think of it this way; you have a lot to bring to this fourway relationship by the way of your research and inner experience. If others don't seem like they are putting in the same amount of effort, it is either because a) they don't feel the need to; b) they don't want to (scared, in denial, wishful thinking); c) they don't know how to; d) they are, they are just hiding it well. If it's c, you have a lot to give in terms of your understanding of poly and mono/poly dynamics, both shared by others and arising from your own experience.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
I told Ka that I had to decide if I wanted a monogamous relationship or if I wanted a relationship with D. I chose D. She agreed and even repeated my words to D. But, then he tells me that she recently told him that she, Ki and me all want the same thing: D for ourselves alone.
What's with all this relayed communication and second-hand information? Go to the horse's mouth for the information you need and want.

Originally Posted by PipersGirl View Post
Dealing with the feelings of "inequity" is on-going and I'm not sure if that will ever go away completely.
I agree; what you have in your hands in a polygynous (one man, multiple wives) arrangement and they are notorious for their problems. You don't have the strong religious/cultural background nor the social sanctioning of a peer group that these relationships normally have. Since you were raised in a mono culture, and as long as you don't all live together with an equally split schedule in a true marriage-like arrangement, those feelings will likely persist (and living together would pose a whole new set of difficulties). As you've figured out this is what you want for the long-term and no longer harbour wishes of things turning monogamous with him, these kind of issues can be dealt with, however.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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