need help with an issue
I have been a polyamorist for a few years and recently I have ran into a problem that I am not sure how to deal with. I recently met a wonderful girl that I am in love with and she is in love with me. We have nearly everything in common and mesh perfectly. There is just a couple of hitches. While she has talked with her current boyfriend regarding polyamory for a while prior to my arrival she still hasnt actually had the talk about living the lifestyle. When I met him he was nice and seems to be ok with it all in fact her and I fell asleep holding each other and he walked in and he acted like it was nothing. He was even pleasent towards me despite the fact I was cuddling with his girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, but she is worried about talking with him. I wasnt exactly sure of how much he knew and approved of before her and I went out though I knew he knew she was talking to me and flirting imensely with me. She doesnt really have any experience with polyamory but at times has dated more then one person, so the explanations are easy to do. I really want this relationship to take off and become something really serious and long term but I have no clue what to do since my ethics say that I cant do anything with out him knowing.
I am also worried about my position in this situation. Since neither of them have much experience in this situation they can not easily diffine my situation in the relationship due to their inexperience. She is reading every book she gets her hands on but still isnt clear on it all yet. Also though I have been a secondary before and was perfectly ok with it I am not sure that is what I want from this relationship. She asked if there was a possibility of like having two primaries and while I answered that there was I also knew that it was hard to handle on all parties because it has to be balanced perfectly or at least the time I tried it it was a disastor. this time will be worse since he isnt as affectionate and has no real interest in sex or displays of affection doesnt even believe in love as more then a chemical bodily response and even sleeps on the couch all the time, and I am the exact opposite being really affectionate and loving. If She did end up with coprimaries it would be an interesting situation considering she has already mentioned she would love to fall asleep every night in my arms.
I dont want to push him out of her life I just dont know how to get what I want she wants and keep him involved and dont want to take his place because he seems like a great guy but he just isnt putting forth the effort to have a relationship with her. But that doesnt look like the direction it is heading