My Story in Two Parts: Part II
D and I have been truly enjoying and living our relationship since the end of April. We three girls have gotten together several times and had fun and we've all had good times together. But, there are still issues.
As it stands now, my time with him is Friday night through sometime Saturday. The exact time depends on his work schedule. Sometimes we have over 24 hours together, sometimes barely 12. Saturday night is for the threesome. Usually Ka stays with him Sunday night and some nights during the week. She doesn't work full time, like Ki and myself. The time that any of us spend with him depends on (mostly) his work schedule.
Some of the issues are stemming from our schedule with D. I, at most, get to spend one night a week with him. (In the past 9 months, I've spent 2 nights in the same week once.) Ki only gets one night a week with him and it's a shared night with Ka; she doesn't get an alone night. And that is still more time than she's ever had with him. Ka has the shared night with Ki and then spends anywhere from one to five more nights alone with him, though it's usually 2 or 3.
Then there's the issue of sex. Basically, Ki and myself have but ONE opportunity for sex with D each week, while Ka has numerous opportunities due to the fact that she is there so much more than either of us. D and I do usually have sex when I'm there and he usually has sex with the threesome when they are there. He and Ka are not having sex every day that she's there, but they do have sex sometimes. And even when they don't, she gets to sleep with him and cuddle, touch and wake up together; a luxury that Ki and myself do not have but once a week.
I am (mostly) ok with spending one night a week with D. I would like more sometimes and occasionally get two nights in a row. As long as we consistently and regularly have sex once a week, I'm (mostly) ok with that. Again, sometimes, it would be nice to have more. And I do struggle with Ka being with him so much more than me and with her getting more sex than me. And to be honest, I even struggle with the fact that D has three willing partners and never has to lack for companionship or sex.
Ki has the bigger problem with time than I do. I can understand that - she doesn't have any alone time with D. I've suggested that he take her to dinner alone at least once a month, but ultimately that issue is between the two of them. I just don’t like to be hit with the fall-out! She also feels that he treats her differently than he does me and Ka. And that he doesn't tell her the things that he tells us. She feels less valued to him than Ka or me. I don't know how to address that or if it's even my place to do so.
As for Ka, she admitted a few weeks ago that she is still jealous of me. Guess I'll digress… When D and I first started seeing each other, he was already having problems with both Ka and Ki which had nothing to do with me. I did not know about this nor did I know that he wasn't really spending much time either of them. I found this out about 9 months ago. Now, I did reap the benefits at the beginning of our relationship. We were spending more time together, going places together and having more sex. Knowing that, I can understand why Ka, and Ki for that matter, would have been jealous of me THEN. With the current dynamics, I can understand why Ki feels the way she does. But, for the life of me, I just can not figure out why Ka is still jealous or me when she has more time with D AND has more sex with D than I do. It truly baffles me. And it baffles D too. The only thing I can think is that she thinks that D loves me "more" than he loves her.
Right now, I am grappling with irritation and frustration that Ki and Ka get their panties in a twist over seemingly trivial things or things that we've all four discussed and agreed on.
An example of the trivial: Friday before last I went to D's from work. I spoke with Ki on the phone and it didn't occur to me to tell her that I was already at D's house as it's a given that I'll be there on Friday night unless work interferes. Well, Saturday afternoon, I got a text from her and she's upset that I didn't tell her that I was there when we talked. I apologized and explained there was no deceit intended on my part. That wasn't good enough and it went down from there. We haven't discussed it since then. Part of me thinks we should, but then I wonder if it's best to just let it be.
We all discussed and agreed that it's not a problem if any of us text or call when another is there. Week before last, D asked Ka why she doesn't keep the ringer on her phone turned up. She told him that she thinks it's rude to be on the phone with other people when she's there like Ki does. And that she thinks it's rude that D and I text when she is there. (And it's not constant!) If that's the case why did she then text D Saturday before last, knowing that I was there? That points to the biggest issue I have with Ka: She has a double standard and wants one set of "rules" for her, but another for me. I'm debating about discussing this with her, but don't want to open a huge can of worms…
Lord knows, I'm not perfect! I know I can be selfish, get upset over seemingly trivial things, be overly emotional and take things personally. Some days I have doubts that this relationship can last or even if it should.
But, I have done so much internal hard work over the past couple of years, examining long held beliefs and notions about what a loving relationship "should" be. I've looked at cultural and societal norms; dissected and analyzed my own beliefs and preconceptions and dealt with personal fears and insecurities. I take ownership of those things that are mine and deal with them accordingly. I've read forums, lists, websites, articles and books about polyamory. I've reconciled my spiritual beliefs with a poly lifestyle. I don't think Ki and Ka have done much, if any, of this research and/or soul-searching.
I told Ka that I had to decide if I wanted a monogamous relationship or if I wanted a relationship with D. I chose D. She agreed and even repeated my words to D. But, then he tells me that she recently told him that she, Ki and me all want the same thing: D for ourselves alone. We discussed this last week and I told him that in a perfect world, I would prefer a monogamous relationship, but if he told me that he wanted to be with me only, I would tell him that wasn't true. He might be able to do it and even be happy for a few months, but then he'd be miserable and therefore, so would I. Being monogamous is not his nature. I've accepted that and love him for who he truly is.
Recently, I've come to realize and accept that I am poly in the sense of trying to relate in a loving (not romantic or sexual) manner with D's other partners to form a family. I am romantically monogamous. I can only be in love with one person at a time and have that deep level of emotional involvement and commitment. Also had the revelation recently that I'm only mostly sexually monogamous. I could see having purely recreational sex with other men. D and I have discussed a MFM threesome, but the other possible participant is reluctant. I haven't pushed for it, because I'm not sure if I want that fantasy to become a reality. D has even said that he wouldn't have a problem if this other man and I had sex occasionally by ourselves. That's not something I want to pursue right now… maybe one day; A few months ago, I would have said never!
Poly/Mono relating is hard. I wouldn't chose another poly/mono relationship if this one ever ends. Would either be two way mono or two way poly in some form. Dealing with the feelings of "inequity" is on-going and I'm not sure if that will ever go away completely. I strive to maintain my balance and ensure that I respectfully express my needs and be respectful of D, Ki and Ka. And in the end, this relationship is worth it. It IS the best relationship I’ve ever had and all four of us look at it as long-term and committed.
I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas on dealing with the issues I’ve mentioned, especially the feelings of “inequity”. I think that is the master issue and most of the other issues stem from it; all three of us girls feel it in one way or another.