View Single Post
  #148  
Old 07-10-2011, 06:35 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

Here's how I look at being annoyed with someone or something, in general. Most of the time I feel annoyed because I am choosing to see something from a specific perspective and letting myself feel annoyed. This basically comes out of wanting things a certain way and them not being that way (so simple!). People can do all kinds of "annoying behavior" and there are plenty of times when we laugh it off and it doesn't bother us, so what happens when it does?

Why do we let certain people or actions get to us? Why do we think someone should be different than who they are, or behave the ways we wish they would? Why, when we could be focused on something much more enjoyable, do we spend our energies on annoyances? Is there something we're avoiding? Being annoyed is totally a state of mind that you alone are responsible for. Feeling annoyed, irritated, dissatisfied, complaining, etc., usually comes out of attachment to expectations. That's how I've been taught to view it by some wise teachers of mine, anyway.

So, I know an exercise, or really a game you can play with yourself, that helps one start to see more clearly what's going on inside. When we're annoyed, we're usually grumbling or complaining about something or someone to ourselves, right? So, every time you have a thought or make a statement about what's annoying you -- basically a complaint -- add to the end of your sentence these words: "and this is what I want." Do that for one or two days and you will see that being annoyed, feeling offended, being irritated, is a state of mind we put ourselves in. Even complaining is a choice (oh, how often in just one day we can indulge in complaining!) -- some people do that exercise and realize that their life is really just great, but that they just love to complain. Many of us have been ingrained with a pattern of complaining about things because we just can't let ourselves experience life as something that is really as fucking awesome as it actually is.

So, I'm not making any calls about what's going on with you, but it could be a very enlightening exercise to do. It's been useful to me when I feel like things are out of my control, because it makes me realize that my happiness and peace of mind are up to me.

Now, the major result is that it brings self-awareness -- and with seeing your own reactions to things more clearly, you also see other people's behaviors more clearly. So when one starts to see one's own patterns of reactions better (because getting annoyed can really be just a habit), we can clear away the confusion over another's behaviors. You might start to see that what they're doing is perfectly fine, or you might see that they have actually been trying to bug you.

Either way, with clarity you can now let it go or speak up (if necessary) without lashing out (reacting), but rather by calmly stating something you see (examples: "I've noticed I'm a little uncomfortable with when you do X and just want you to know," or "Is there anything you are trying to to tell me when you do X, because I have a feeling something else is going on," or even just ask "Why do you [say or do] X?" ) Another person's behavior might just be as unconscious as our reactions to it.

And of course, always try to have compassion for the person doing the behavior, as well as ourselves for reacting in the ways that we do.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-10-2011 at 11:08 PM.
Reply With Quote