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Old 07-08-2011, 05:47 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

hi neonshadow. Mono is my monogamous boyfriend and together we have talked through this stuff at great length... from reading what you have written it seems that your girlfriend is a bit naive... and that is totally okay. She seems excited by the poly life she has created and wants you to be too. Maybe she just has never run in to someone that she loves and cares about that thinks differently than her.

When I met Mono we couldn't of been more different. He is military and I an activist. He is straight, was vanilla, monogamous.... me, I am pansexual, kinky as hell and poly. We were from different worlds entirely. I did the whole showing of pictures, being confused and upset when he had a hard time with things... he was frustrated, hurt, confused a lot of the time as I continued to express myself as in the only way I knew how. I was also confused, frustrated and hurt by his expression of himself in the only way he knew how.

The thing is that we were deeply in love and completely unable to give up on each other.... it has taken much time and A LOT of communicating of some really hard stuff to find a place of compromise. We will likely never find a place where we can have some boundaries around some stuff, but we do have some now that work.... the rest we compromise on... (you can read my blog for details). Compromise is just a fact of our relationship and many mono/poly relationships in general I think. Are you able to compromise with her? Is she able to with you? She will have to give up some of her freedom and you some of your need for her to be at your side only.

You raise some VERY important questions here.... family, house, marriage. Those are really big questions and I would look very closely at that. Mono and I have and are married, have kids, house, car, bike... etc. We have careers, aged parents that we are not beholden to in terms of their opinion meaning as much as it did when we were younger. We have been able to come together because those things are done and we are entering a different phase of life. This is working for us BECAUSE that is all covered. I doubt we would of even given each other time of day back in our early 20's Ya, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't of, let alone consider all the cultural norms that we could achieve together. It could very well be that she is just either not ready for all that, or never will be.

Good luck with your decision.
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