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Old 07-07-2011, 05:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

So what your saying is you've never read stories with these elements of commonality? You need to read the new to poly section.

What about the 3-4 people who posted before you who did identify with the concept and conversation. ???

. . . why do you want to debate my word "conversation" or rather belittle it as not connected or honest ....etc.
So what do you say to Carma ? was her conversations not connected or honest ... What do you say to Carma's husband and Bf?

. . . It seems at times you and others here just look for things to be offend by. The last two sentences... which sentences..
You misunderstand me. Sure, some elements of the conversation you posted in the first message may be common to other couples. What I was saying is that it wasn't really sounding like a conversation where two people are listening and negotiating with each other, nor connecting in a heartfelt way about something that is a major shift in a relationship. I felt sad reading it.

I was not belittling the conversation, nor taking issue with the word "conversation." I was pointing out where I could see how unfair it would feel to be on the receiving end of that kind of talk. If that is how the conversation went between you and your wife, who approached you about being non-monogamous, your posted scenario sounded more like you were steamrolled and told what you would have to accept. That is what I was saying. You were being talked at, and not really listened to. There was no give and take nor compassion for your position in what you wrote. Obviously, I was not alone in seeing it that way. Before my response, Carma posted, "Wow I hope my husband doesn't read this. It casts everything in the worst light." Your pain is palpable in the scenario you posted. As I said, I feel for you.

Other people have their opinions, I have mine. My post was not meant to negate anyone else's. I simply shared how I perceived what you wrote here. And what I perceived was lots of anger and bitterness being broadcast. This is in the General Discussions forum, and so I am participating in the discussion.

In addition, I was not offended at all by anything in it. Being offended is a choice -- a stranger on the internet doesn't have the power to do that to me. I only pointed out how saying, "Do people find poly..... out of boredom, or narcissistic ...self entitlement . . ." looked to me like another way your bitterness about everything was being expressed, because it made it sound like poly is a way to use people. I have no problem with you saying that. Some people do use poly as an excuse for other behaviors. But not every situation is so manipulative and full of such deep, deep pain.

The basic gist of my reply was to say that your pain and anger comes across loud and clear, and that I feel compassion for you if that is how the conversations went for you.

I also posted that response to say that the way you depicted that conversation sounded like you were identifying the need to be non-monogamous as the main problem for a relationship, but that isn't necessarily the case. Your situation was a disaster, and not really what anyone would want from poly. If a relationship is strong and the two people are honest and ethical about approaching non-monogamy, which your wife was NOT (and anyone can read your threads to see why not), poly can not only work but also bring people closer and enhance what they have, as has been seen here many times.

I am very glad she is in therapy. It sounds like you still have much unresolved anger and bitterness toward her, though, so I hope you are finding something therapeutic for yourself as well.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Because you and your husband came to this forum from a mutual perspective . . . I'm sure your conversations with your husband and other partner or partners are connected and honest and if or when restless heart syndrome rears its ugly head you can write the details then.
FYI, I am separated and embracing poly as a solo person. My soon-to-be ex-husband is not a member here. But yes, I try to be as open and honest as I can in my conversations with lovers and anyone I am close to. I have taken numerous workshops in communication over the course of 20+ years, and made enough blunders in expressing myself, to have learned that really listening to someone is often the biggest challenge for many people. We all tend to want our agenda and have to put that aside to truly hear what someone else wants, absorb it, and be considerate about it. I don't think you were really considered enough in that scenario, so I hope things have improved for you.

The term Restless Heart Syndrome doesn't make sense to me in a poly situation, maybe you can explain what you mean by it.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 07-07-2011 at 06:06 PM.
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