Originally Posted by Newby
We set down a few basic ground rules: (1) our marriage always comes first, (2) be safe, (3) be discreet, (4) if one wants out, we both quit.
It sounds like you might want to do a lot more talking before you further your relationship with this other woman you say you love. One of the ground rules you made was that if one wants out, you both quit. I don't really think you want to get that ultimatum because you see all this benefit to your relationship that your wife might not.
You do not give timelines, so I don't know how long this new relationship has been in the works, but I sure feel NRE is rearing it's mischievous head. Really, if I was struggling with my partner wanting a different style (love vs. flings) than I was, the last thing I want to hear is them telling me that the fact that THEY ARE FALLING IN LOVE with somebody else is good for their relationship with me, so I should be happy. Even if it is true.
Now Luckily my partner and I are on similar pages, but since you are not. Take it slow. Take it really slow, to show your wife she is important and loved. You will not die if you take your time. Really. You might screw up your marriage if you go too fast though.
edit: second on the 5 love languages. My husband and I have vastly different things that make us feel loved, but receiving the things that we need to feel loved especially when it doesn't come naturally to the other to give them... helps get through the rough times.