And then the cat was out of the bag
(4 weeks ago) A lot happened. The weekend we assigned to meet for the first time is over and I have successfully come home to tell my husband that there is a man I love as well. What a week … Well what happened:
I visited my best friend for his birthday. We set this date to make sure of our compatibility physical wise. I left home with a feeling of leaving my old life behind, of loss and something precious disappearing. It was horrible. Additionally to this gut wrecking feeling I was nervous as hell because I was afraid of the first moment my friend and I would meet. Biggest fear: visual incongruousness. But, as most of things in life work like this, everything happened differently.
When I first caught a glimpse of him at the train station I was literally shocked. I broke out quite a sweat and my heart was racing. How the hell could he have changed this much over the three years we haven't seen each other? The moment our eyes met I knew that I had quite a different problem now, nothing comparable to the one I imagined. He felt the same. Nervous as I was I just hugged him silently and stayed like this for some seconds. He broke the silence by jokingly asking: Hey, have you grown even taller? I replied with a relieved laugh that he was just shrinking. I couldn't look him into the eyes again for the next minutes and was really glad that his mother had come to pick us up. The conversation in the car went well, the most tense small talk I ever did but ok somehow.
But afterwards we arrived at his house and went up to his room. A real small one, I felt caged the moment the door closed. How to stay in this tiny space for 4 days without us making some severe faults? Everything that was there to sit on was a bed and a chair behind the desk. I choose the bed, he the chair. Face to face conversation with a real person in front of me was more difficult than I had anticipated (we didn't have cameras up to that point, therefore never really seen each other during our conversations) and I had to look away after two seconds every time our eyes met. Everything was just too much. And that was what I told him when he asked what my opinion of him was like now.
We managed to keep the talk going, thankfully Sward has had an idea for a present for him. He designed a cup with a picture of himself pointing forward to the spectator and the text: You are the boss, not the red one. Meaning me with the red one because of the hair colour. It was quite a nice gesture of him and I was really feeling guilty of him giving so much thought on a present for the other man I was in love with, without knowing what was going on. But nevertheless, he was really pleased with his own idea and he liked my friend as well. So I figured it would be ok somehow.
Well we moved on to the evening program, meaning coffee and films. The atmosphere eased up and we found our daily routine again, which we developed over years through talking to each other day by day. Finally he suggested snuggling up a bit. And jeez … we got such a strong chemistry between us, it was astonishing and alarming. Just from a bit of fondling my back I got really confused and self aware around him we had to stop and take a break. I don't remember how exactly the first film ended. Even in this complicated situation he was positive and mentioned that all his worries had vanished into thin air because of my so self-explanatory reactions to his actions.
I will skip the other details from the following days, to sum it up, we went way beyond this and got burned a little while playing with the fire. We didn't kiss and we didn't had sex, but somehow ... Kind of complicated to explain. Kind of, like teenagers make their first experiences. We just couldn't keep our hands off of the other and luckily mainly managed to keep our clothes on.
In the preparatory stage we had agreed on some basic taboos which should not be broken in the process to be still able to get an ethical start into this whole mess. Well we partly managed to do so. We didn't touch intimately, we didn't kiss, we didn't took off our trousers. So much for the successes. But – I took off my shirt.
The moment it happened I was just too absent minded to realise right away that I would have to lie to Sward about the failures of my visit. I realised this a while later when my head started working again. It was a real disaster for me. I had never lied to my husband before. I kind of managed to keep it in between a lie and not telling the whole truth. At least I could tell him that there hasn't been a kiss or real sex. He got the notion that we behaved like teens who made their first encounter with each other. Well mainly this is what happened. I left out the small rest concerning my shirt because he just did a checklist kind of asking thing and all he wanted to know where the points already mentioned. He didn't ask for further details and I didn't provide them voluntarily.
But well, I kind of jumped to the end of the evening when I returned home and finally told Sward about the situation and my emotions. And he took it so well. I was speechless how composed he was and how he calmly skimmed the situation and the different meanings that could be there. He directly asked what exactly I wanted from Lin, some kind of friends with benefits arrangement or something more meaningful, if I wanted to leave him (after I told him about the love element of Lin's and my relationship), what I wanted him to do with this new information and so on. I guess everyone in the same situation has experienced this.
Two weeks later I told him about the slip up concerning the shirt. He said he wouldn't mind that much and understood why I was too scared to tell him in the actual conversation that evening.