(4 1/2 weeks before)
The biggest and most common fear is the one I have because of the unknown, something that might become twisted or unfamiliar, that what will have a strangers face because I have never seen it before; something that could change. And there is so much right in front of me. Still some days to go till the first step into this whole new mess. And it is absolutely irrelevant if things turn out “good” or “bad”, they are bound to change and I will have to handle it.
The “what-if's” are killing me right now. I know what I would like to achieve. And I 'know' what I most likely will get. The odds are just so bad, I am scared to hope for the best. I personally would still be unable to participate in this setting if the roles were switched. And therefore I can't imagine them to cope with it. I know that this is one-sided and just my take on it; Lin is already beyond this stage – how he was able to achieve it? – I still am pondering over it.
And every time I am trying to imagine the reaction of Sward I am just going round in circles of my own fears and inabilities because I do not know how he would be able to cope with it or in which light he would conceive it. I am somehow ashamed of my ignorance of his inner workings. I do not know him as well as I would have claimed to some weeks ago. But I didn't knew myself in this regard. If it had not happened to me, I would still assume the wrong reactions. The last time this happened was when I realised that I was able to forgive more than I ever thought I could. Maybe this situation is just so extreme and so far from all what is known till now that it just will show what there may be in it for us.
I do not know which the biggest change will be. But I fear some quite extreme ones. The most dangerous one would be an impact on the health of my best friend. If this goes wrong he will be severely damaged. I do not know if he will survive this blast. It kind of saved his live already because we discovered, or better confessed our feelings in a kind of life-or-death-situation and it took a turn for the better but if this dream of his fails … he will be crushed. Of course I will be as well, but I am healthy. I will not die from a broken heart – he literally will. The whole stress of the last weeks has already taken its toll on him. He is in much more pain than the last months.