(5 weeks ago) Actually, I was wondering if my feelings could be part of my imagination.
This happened in the first year after my realisation of my own feelings and again, after Lin had confessed to me some weeks ago. I asked myself: Are we just playing with our thoughts of the other without knowing what reality is like? Have we been in love with a spectre of our own wishes and hopes? I thought that for myself for sure, and I deemed him to be too alone and distant from others to really have had a “choice” to feel otherwise.
He was very ill during that time. Life-threatening ill. There have been points when I and even he (a positive and optimistic person by heart) thought that he was done for. But he recovered. And I had been there for him. How couldn't he think of me as someone special, I thought by myself. Even though our relationship was non-physical, even though all I could ever lend him was a ear willing to listen and some meagre source of supportive words (I am really horrible at encouraging someone when I myself see only negativities around him.)
He called me his backup and his column, the only foothold he got. And I was overwhelmed, unable to handle the responsibility I felt for being seen like this. I needed months to come to terms with his disease and the burden his trust was for me in the beginning. I wanted to be all he saw in me, but I simply was not there. I live about 8 hours away (by train), and I just couldn't be there when he needed me most. It was really hard. Especially when he was really beaten up by all the therapy and medications and pain.
I really do look forward to the time when I can be around him all day and care for him the way I am able to, by showing him affection and friendship not through words but me myself. As I said I am horrible with words and this would be so much easier and more effective. Do not misunderstand. His condition is stable now, he can be called a person with a heart disease that will be able to live a normal life in some months hopefully. I will not have to look after him or something like this.
But he is ill nevertheless. Meaning his body is strained. I mean, we just met once. For some days. More than three years ago. Yes, there has been a physical reaction. Yes, if not in a relationship at that moment, I would have started one with him. But that was three and a half year ago. What if all this changed and I am now hunting a phantom? I am really insecure because of this. My uncle is going to die from cancer sooner or later during this year or the beginning of the next and he gave me quite a shock when he visited for the birthday of my sister.
I do not have good visual imaginatory skills. I work differently. What I get when remembering a person is more about feelings, smells, touch and so on, I can hardly ever remember people I have met or talked to, because I tend to forget their faces. What I remember is the way they made me feel. This is what happened as well with the outer appearance of my best friend. I know that I was quite shocked how thin and ill he looked like, when we first met. I needed to come to terms with his disease some time ago and I kind of managed to really do so. There are still moments where I tend to go through all the pain again, but they are less frequent now.
After meeting my uncle some new fears arose. I know that someone who is going to die soon and has given up on his life looks awful. I know that it has been the cancer and the strain on his body that made him look like a walking dead. But – he is about the same highs and as heavy as my friend is now as well. And I recognised that my recollection of my friend have been blurred over the years. Yes, maybe there wasn't a problem after the first shock after we met but I didn't look for a potential partner at that time. I turned my head the other way to not even think about it. And now I don't know how this will work out.
Whoever it would have been, of course it would have been difficult for me to be intimate with someone other then my husband. But they are complete opposites. My husband is taller than me, bulky, does physical work all day and gained a bit of a beer belly over the years. My best friend is skinny, weak, smaller than me, with no muscles worth mentioning and no body fat. This looks like a challenge to me.
I have been honest with him, that I would have never looked his way if we had met by chance on the street. Maybe with care and concern but never because he fits my preferences. And this is why I have been questioning myself all the years if I was not hunting a phantom. Did I fell in love with my own imaginary skills? We talk and talk and talk and I am sure that my mind is in love with him. His words, his characteristics, his take on things, his honesty, his optimism, and all the other things, that could have been conveyed by leading the relationship we had over the years. But will my body be in love as well?
I am utterly scared to find the opposite to be true. That I am unable to overlook or like his physical features. I do not want this to happen but I think I will not have a say in it when my body decides to not react. One week to go till I will know. I am wishing for this week to pass as soon as possible and at the same time I would like this day to never come true.
Last edited by Phy; 07-07-2011 at 12:08 PM.