Tried my 'best'. Am I just not designed for this?
I'm 44, smart, single, and gay. Whilst online (sort of a hook-up/fetish site) I met an interesting gentleman around my age who was not looking for a relationship - as he already had that. We talked on the phone a few times, met over coffee and wound up back at his place. I had no expectations, though our rapport was very nice.
The moment we kissed something happened - we both sensed it. We had incredible physical connection... but it was also very tender an emotional. He'd never experienced this with a hookup before. We met again a few days later and there was no mistake. This was more than mere like. He lived alone but has been involved with another gentleman for three years - but explained that despite their love they no longer engaged in sex after the first year - not even kissing(!). More like 'best friends'. Furthermore, they are publicly engaged (I didn't find that out 'til I saw it weeks later online - how I never saw it when we first met, I'll never know).
We wound up dating - for real. Museums, gifts, text-notes, letters, walks in the park, etc. He - being very open and honest - told his partner about this after the third or fourth time we met - and his partner was FINE with it. Despite my initial fears, I eventually met said partner, but perhaps too soon (6 weeks) at a social soiree. We got along, as expected, but I have no interest in him physically - though we have some (not so shocking) similarities. He's really a great guy. They both are. But this was a "V" - not a three-way.
Anyway - all parties had never engaged or considered this 'til I entered the picture. And despite my cautions and that of many friends, I pressed forward. Two days after the party (and meeting said partner) I had a bit of a knee jerk reaction - anxious, questioning and looking for answers from the guy I was dating. I was a bit pushy - things were strained, but we talked.
When I asked him why he persisted with his current partner, and hadn't ended this relationship despite the lack of sex/phys intimacy, he told me "it would crush him". I thought that sounded... odd. Maybe even immature and unfair/un-resolved somehow. But that is their relationship, not mine.
We went on to date for four months, where I oscillated between extreme anxiety and near total bliss. The good times were great - but when I wasn't with him I was often emotionally confused and anxious. So much so that one evening - out with friends - I had my first (and so far only) panic attack - which was emotionally based - though I never told him that.
Several days later he asked me if this was all causing me too much pain and anxiety as he didn't want me to suffer. I told him I was ok with this - I just liked him too much to end it. I thought I could "sit with/through this" and somehow become more comfortable and confident. At times I could - at others it was absurdly distracting - especially at work. I couldn't stop thinking about potential outcomes and "IFs". I am also a very mono kinda guy - but wanted to make this work. I really like and care for him - and I may have been falling in love (in some odd way).
Our affair was rather public and online and we took lots of nice pics together (a mistake, I'm sure, though he posted the pics) - at museums, parties, etc. He and his partner both seemed ok with that. But I grew increasingly anxious and awkward even when I was around him. Despite all the time, incredible sex, text messages, sweet notes and attention he gave me I felt increasingly insecure - and it made me upset that I was upset despite his attentions.
Two days ago we had "the talk". He could tell I wasn't being myself around him and it was upsetting him. I knew this wasn't working either - but was also afraid to end things or jump the gun. It's been two days and we ended things very amicably. However, I very much miss him - and am sorry I had behaved so uncharacteristically with him due to my anxiety. He told me it was ok - and wasn't my fault - I just wasn't meant for this kind of relationship. He's right, of course... but I still find it all sad. I feel like a teenager - it's nuts.
I know I'll be fine - meet other guys better suited to my emotional needs, etc. but this man sparked something in my life I'd not felt in YEARS. My last relationship ended two years ago, was Mono and 11 years long. I know my story is vague on details, but wish I'd had a more supportive network going into this. I just found this site today (duh!). Maybe we weren't ultimately compatible, but part of me wishes I could have been more emotionally stable to enjoy things more than I did. In many ways, he was VERY good to me... and I had a lovely time. I guess I'm just not emotionally ready for this kind of arrangement. I don't think I've ever been more emotionally distracted in my life. It was VERY uncharacteristic for me to feel the anxiety I did.
I realize that four months is not a long time - but it was a very emotionally charged for me. I guess I'm just learning more about myself.
Last edited by res; 07-07-2011 at 06:00 AM.
Reason: clarification and wording.