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Old 07-07-2011, 05:00 AM
zenchaos zenchaos is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9
Default jealous mono dating a poly but don't want him to compromise

Hi, I just made this account today and I've gone through some threads on mono/poly relationships that already have been very helpful to me understanding my current boyfriend's other relationship.

I'm mono as far as my experience goes and my boyfriend is poly. We've been dating about four months and a few dates in he told me he was seeing a married woman. I never expected to be in an open relationship and was honest, telling him it wasn't what I was looking for but since we just started dating I was fine with it because I didn't know yet if we were going to pursue something long term. I've even met her, her husband, and his social group and thought we hit it off pretty well. My boyfriend is also very honest about their relationship and conscientious in communicating with me about how I feel about it. So far I've told him I'm okay with it.

Recently I've started hanging out with him and his friends (including his other girlfriend) more often. The last two times, they started getting physical in front of me, which was kind of a surprise but it's not like I didn't have fair warning. Her husband was there too but he's well-adjusted to it as far as I can tell. I admitted later that it felt awkward since I didn't expect that but figured that I could get used to it as long as I knew it was going to happen. The second time they did that was less awkward but still awkward nonetheless. I try to laugh it off, make conversation, or look somewhere else but I feel like I'm bad at hiding my discomfort. He asked me again if I was okay with what happened and I said I was.

Honestly, I'm more than a little jealous and insecure. I've read that jealously is usually a symptom of a more specific problem, like not having enough time with your significant other. Even though I know he sees her regularly, I don't feel as though I don't get enough time with him and when we're alone, he's always affectionate and appreciative. I respect that he is poly but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be the only one he's romantically involved with. I think there's also something special about mono relationships, knowing you're only one who can make someone feel a certain way. I know he'd listen if I told him how I felt but I don't know how to tell him because I don't see what he could do about it. I don't like the idea (or the sight) of him being intimate with another woman, but even more, I don't like the idea of him having to give something up because of me, such as publicly showing affection towards her. I think I just want the pride of knowing that there's something about me that no other woman can provide and I wish he didn't need to see another woman to fulfill his emotional needs. This may seem petty but I think that sticking with one person shows you're willing to go the extra mile to commit, and accept what they have to offer, good and bad. I'm not saying there's no real commitment in poly relationships (quite the opposite) but this is the mentality I grew up with. I know that he has sacrificed possible long-term relationships with other girls because they didn't want an open relationship. I sympathize with them, but I really want to make this work for the long term.

Sorry if this is a long first post. It was really more for me to get my thoughts in order (I usually feel relieved after writing something out). But if anyone could point me to a thread that might address this problem or has anything to offer, I'd greatly appreciate it. One last note: If their relationship was just sex or friends with benefits, I'd be fine with it. What bothers me is the emotional aspect of it. Thanks!
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