As much as a part of my brain knows all of those things, there's another part that just hasn't been on board with all of this. It's been up and down. Today feels a bit more up.
And a lot of this has to do with other emotional trauma/mental health issues.
I had my surgery yesterday. Recovering today. I feel a lot better now that the anesthesia has totally worn off. That stuff is nasty! The pain isn't bad. Painkillers don't hurt either I suppose.
Surgery went well, the only traumatic part was waking up. They weren't watching me very closely after I woke up and I felt very scared/disoriented and had a panic attack. I wasn't impressed with their reaction. In fact, I'll probably call and complain about it to customer service. I even put on my medical history that I have anxiety problems. They didn't really seem to care/know what to do. I was pretty out of it for most of the day yesterday.
Later in the evening, Sinclair came over and made me dinner. It was quite delicious and the conversation was good as well. And there's leftovers!
I had a good fourth of july. I spent it with Krav Maga friends. Shooting guns, taking lots of pictures, good food, beautiful mountains.
I got to talk to some other people about stuff with the Nurse and it got me to thinking. I would really like to make a friendship work and see what might come out of it. I'm just not sure of how I can do that healthily but I want to try. We're supposed to both be at a regional burning man festival in the middle of july, so we'll see other a bit then. I'd like to test out the waters and see how I do on a smaller scale though. Tonight, there's a TNG planning meet and if I go we'll both be at it. So I'll see how that goes. My main concern is that I don't want to get stuck pining and feeling tortured just so we can be friends. If we are friends it needs to be a positive contribution. Ari had mentioned in a thread somewhere that he has a hard time being friends with people that he has feelings for. I really struggle with this as well. But I remember that he said he made it work once and that while it was hard, he felt like it was worth it. Perhaps he can chip in. :P
The truth is that neither the Nurse nor I is in the best of positions to jump into a serious relationship. I don't feel comfortable being in an ambiguous one. I also really, really, really miss playing with him! And I want it back lol. Perhaps if we can set up good boundaries we can be friends and play partners in the not so distant future. I would really like that. But we'll see. It might not work. I'm also working hard to build friendships with a wide variety of people and I'm liking the impact that's having on my life. I'm feeling healthier in that regard. I think there a possibility in the future but that we should leave it alone until we're both more stable. Who knows, tomorrow, I may be in tears again and super depressed. At this point, I'm just taking things one day at a time. I can't be angry at myself for having emotions. They make me human.