Retrospection; thoughts I got when everything started
I know that there is some kind of qualitative difference. One relationship has been there for more then 11 years. It was given it's time to develop, to fail and rebuild, to show what it's got and what it's secret gems and abysses are. And it has become part of me in an inseparable way. I am utterly scared that this might change. I couldn't imagine that Sward would take what I was going to tell him separately from what we have had up to now. It is still likely to change. To transform into something that might never be as good as what we build up to now. One of my biggest fears.
That he will never look me in the eyes as trusting and as secure as he could. That he changes his ways with me, hurt and distant, no more casual touches, no more joyful moments in harmony and comfort with each other. My guts are clenching in fear when I imagine this to happen and I can hardly breathe. I was not sure if this may not happen in the beginning. At least this fear has been nullified. He suprised me in every possible way, what made me just love him more.
To some extent this has happened as well with my best friend. Of course the quality was a different one in some regard because friendship is never on the same level as a romantic love. It has been forcefully shut down and was forbidden to come to life. In theory, at least. If I have learned something from all this mess: Never underestimate your feelings – they will find a way to get right back at you. This 'getting back' took them some years but they never buckled. Sometimes I am just dumbstruck how much I can be up to astonish myself. Well, it happened and I am now wondering about another thing that just didn't came to mind before, because I forcefully avoided to think about any issues that were related to the unseizable part of my head and heart.
But another point of view concerning quality was long left out of my field of vision. Lin got his share as well. He is scared of the immeasurable amount of intimacy (from his point of view) that my husband and I have, compared to the near zero experiences he shared with me. Yes, he is the person who understands me best in most parts of my thoughts and feelings. To some extent he does have a better insight than Sward. But, there are parts of me, that he doesn't know, that he is a beginner with and that this could be a threat to him, never occurred to me before.
When I thought about his “lack” in the intimate apartment (not in general, just with me), I always regarded this unknown field as one that we simply have to explore, AFTER all the mess was sorted out and we would be on a road that at least could be called a road and not a wild jungle in the dark. He was afraid of comparison right away when we started to be honest about our feelings and when the idea had settled down a bit to share me in a lifestyle that included him and Sward. Still a strange way to put it btw .. share me …, well never mind.
And thus I began to think about, what really was in each relationship. What had brought this absurd situation to life? What were the feelings based on that I developed for them? And I realised how long the lists are on both sides. And how different. Of course, some points were similar, but they are basic ones like honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, being true to themselves and so on. But some are so astonishingly different, that I wondered if I haven't been tricked by myself again.
One of my fears is to be accused of looking for what one couldn't give me in the other. As far as my own opinion is concerned, I didn't do this intentionally. But fact is, they do not resemble the other personality wise or physically. I just can't make up my mind if this is good or bad. I know that each one gives me different things, that I turn to them for similar things in different ways and am satisfied with what each of them is able to provide me with. Everything just feels natural, but when I think about explaining it, all gets way to complicated.
It is what it is ... it will never get simpler or more complicated than this. I just can't phrase it better.