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Old 10-15-2009, 01:18 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by polishguy View Post
Hi,

I am asking some advice as I know very well my problem: insecurity. First this insecurity comes from my youth; years abuse of verbal, physical and sexual nature left me a being a shy person with low self-esteem. It took me years to be able to function in society in a manner that seems normal. But I still feel fear about disappointing or not being good enough all the time (and not just regarding relationships), though I am somewhat good at not letting it show too much.

We have an incredible relationship, extremely open and honest and we can frankly talk about anything, without judgment on either side.

<snip>

The irrational part of me fears a little that I will cease to be exciting or that she would pick someone over me however. I admitted to her that I am a little jealous about her going to visit someone, especially after a comment about looking forward to getting laid.

<snip>

Now, I know some of you might think of suggesting "well, why don't you try the poly thing too?".

<snip>

Again, I know most of these fears are completely irrational and unfounded and she has my total trust, but do you have any advice on how to deal with these fears I have.

JT
aka PolishGuy
Hey JT,

With a certain bluntness that I don't use too too often, the first thing that came to mind is Counselling. Your fears, while admittedly irrational are probably deeply seated and aren't easily dislodged by yourself without the introspective tools that people don't have outside shaolin temples.
Now that I've written this my wife will probably fire me a message on FB asking when I'm going to go for MINE! Nuts.

Anyways, other than that, all I can suggest is taking some time to address these concerns to yourself...changing internal dialogs and such, to the other options. One of the great things I love about poly, is that there doesn't need to be an 'instead of'...perhaps just an 'as well as'. There's probably a shelf load of self-help books at chapters both hokey and legitimate to try and give you the tools for that. I would suggest either a professional or similar individual would have specific suggestions for titles or techniques. But it sounds like the issues you're struggling with are beyond the scope of just being involved with a poly person.

It does sound like the two of you have some good communication going on already, which is a great start. Foster it, expand on it...and let her in on your concerns. At the very least if you have a bad episode where you say the things you're afraid of saying, she will have had some heads up that it may not be how you actually feel, but that you're reacting on your fears.

As for trying poly yourself...you seem to be on the right track there too. There's nothing wrong with making sure the relationship you have can work before worrying about adding another. One step at a time.

Cheers.
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