Originally Posted by Ceoli
All of these things could very well be poly. It may not be HEALTHY, but it can still be poly. Poly people cheat. Poly people sometimes don't communicate well. Poly people screw up. Being poly isn't about subscribing to a set of prerequisites or rules or standards. It's about a certain structure of relationships. There are lots of ideals that are held up as poly ideals- open communication, loving connections, radical honesty etc. These are not ideals exclusive to poly relationships. These are ideals to healthy relationships. Not all healthy relationships are poly and not all poly relationships are healthy.
Poly is just a word, not a religion.
My poly is not your poly. Amen Sista!
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
I appreciate your taking time to apologize for being taken wrong. I think that maybe with a little time and patience you will find that in fact the people who replied to you are very kind, considerate people. You just managed to find the exactly wrong button at the exactly wrong time.
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
It's all good-we just have to all take a breath and use the chance to learn about someone else's experience, ideas, life-instead of worrying that an unknow stranger online and their different ideas might be a threat to ourselves.
Fantastic plan...maybe a few hours overdue.
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
And as a side note I'd like to congradulate esedkudiln on creating one of the most active threads in along time!!
Yes...very active thread and mostly managed to entirely miss addressing his original question...which after everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath, maybe a nap or a good night's sleep, we'll be able to refocus on the issue he actually asked about...
If I paraphrase this properly, I think the questions were something to the effect of:
She broke with her intentions, but not the jointly agreed upon rules...is this a problem?
She did what she did for herself instead of him, she doesn't want to share the details. Did this affect the sex afterwards?
Should he be upset with her for any of it? Does she want him to be?
I don't have time to get into this in detail, nor do I have any great enlightenments in the matter, but I'll offer the following to add to the discussion, and hopefully put it back on track...
She doesn't want to share, and you acknowledge that she did it for herself and not you, and she's right to do so. I have had a similar conversation with my SO wrt her gf. I'd like to hear the details...but they're not for me. It's for them. Likewise, she doesn't share the details of us with the gf. If I ask for TMI she puts me in my place fairly quickly.
So, questions to possibly ask yourself, and her:
- Is her sexual freedom in the relationship for her pleasure/freedom? Or is it for your ego?
- Between the delays in telling you about the encounter, and possibly her reluctance to share...does she harbour some guilt or regret about the encounter? Where might that be coming from? Would it be easier for her if you were mad at her in a traditional jealous SO sense? (This is in terms of societies traditional scripts that most people have been conditioned with)
There is also the obeservation you made yourself where communication is difficult. I don't know about the LD, drunkeness, or any of the rest, but almost everyone here will generally agree on Communication, Communication, Communication! LD or not, work or not, you'll need to make the time to communicate about it and figure out the problem and the solution.
Frankly if you aren't upset about anything and there's no trust lost in the relationship, then it might just be that there isn't a problem to resolve. It could be that her reluctance to discuss is just the simple morning after regret some people have after spending a drunken evening making out with the wrong person on the dance floor.
Anyways, some stuff to chew on for a while.