Ah well, I never forget to try to figure out why I am feeling what I actually feel. I love thinking about all this stuff. Sometimes I think because I like to think ... if this makes sense
And yes, I need some time to figure things out. I tend to go silent in discussions if I feel that I need to consider a certain point before I continue arguing.
And again yes, this journal thing was never something for me before. I will see how it works. Normally I got long train rides to sort out my stuff on my way to university. But this only helps me personally. Now I need to communicate what I am thinking emotional wise and this is kind of hard.
The main problem is still the 'positive talk'. What hits a nerve is not the part that is about the negative thoughts. I can speak my mind there, too much actually. Because of this Lin tries to console me. If I get negative, I can communicate well.
But if he is down and in need of supporting and emotional words I tend to be silent. I kind of have the notion that this is too private. It is hard to explain, but I am somehow protective of my emotional thoughts and deep feelings. I do not want to share them if they are 'too positive'. Maybe this is because I feel vulnerable if I open up this section of my mind. I need some of them for myself; I regard those as exclusive for myself.
It took me years to come to this point with my husband, I directly voiced "I love you" after a year. And I know that I knew Lin for nearly 6 years now, but he was mainly on the 'friend' level. At least I pressed him to be there. I am not ready to go way beyond that. But of course my "way beyond" is nowhere near the level others I talked to, or he especially, consider as 'normal'.
I just need more time for the intimate stuff, he knows it, but sometimes he just needs more. But we are able to talk about it and after some reassurance everything is fine. I am just not satisfied, that he is always able to help me ease my mind in minutes because he can talk about his feelings and give me the support I need, and I can just sit there and listen and stay silent on the important parts while I got the thoughts already formulated in my mind but am not able to say them out loud.
But well, we will see how long it takes me to be as open and honest as he can already be.