Here we go....
Here we go.....
I decided to follow my own advice and go for what I want. I wanted to see Mr. X (Iím going to call him E from now on) today; I wanted lay it all out. I wanted to get some relief from the all-consuming thoughts. So, I called him once a reasonable hour of the morning arrived. He agreed to see me.
Itís always awkward for me to start these types of conversations because I like to just lay it all on the table and sort it out later. Itís so undignified and messy, no glossy sound bites or well-scripted phrasing. It works for me though so I did just that with E. I told him that I feel like there is chemistry between us and has been since we first met. I told him that I want more than friendship but that what I want most is the friendship. I told him that I appreciated the fact that itís complicated and I can understand if he just wants to be friends. I emphasized that fact that he was exactly the kind of friend I wanted and that I really want to keep him in my life in whatever way he was comfortable with. I told him I didnít want anything from him, he didnít owe me anything and I wasnít issuing any ultimatums.
Long story short, he seemed really hesitant and I got the impression that he wanted to work on the friendship part for now. We shifted into that mode and were just standing on a bridge talking about biology stuff when he kissed me. I donít know what changed his mind, maybe me taking all the pressure off of him but whatever it was, I was totally surprised. It was really good too.
One of the coolest things was that while we were kissing I was completely free of any guilt or anxiety. I knew Rider would be OK and that he would be supportive (he was).
Hereís the snag..... Eís living arrangement leaves much to be desired and we have almost no privacy. Sleepovers are out of the question. Because we both love to hike and camp and he knows so many great places to go, he suggested that we go out of town together for a few days when I get back. I really want to do that and I think it would be good to have privacy and an opportunity to cement the relationship (not sure how Riderís going to feel about that one though).
And another thing....I had to leave E shortly after only about an hour because I had an appointment and I got on a plane the next day headed for our family vacation. E and I wonít even see each other again for 2 weeks.
married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47
"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill
"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd