Thanks for sharing Mohegan. It sounds like a very painful and long journey. I hope that good continues to come from it all...
I do believe that openness and honesty is the best approach. Deciding what someone can and can't cope with in terms of honest information is dangerous ground and one frought with pain. Mohegan, your story is an amazing illustration of this!
I am just not a believer in holding things too rigidly. There are always exceptions - albeit sometimes very rare exceptions. These exceptions make me not want to hold things too tightly or rigidly, or to impose this on to others.
Throughout history rigidly held values and beliefs have created cultures and societies that are unhealthy. The rigidity of these beliefs and values make it more difficult for society to find a pathway into new and healthier beliefs and values.
I have a value that it is wrong to take another life. Would I take the life of someone who was about to kill my daughter - of course I would! That is an exceptional case.
I don't lie to people. I am a very honest person. Would I tell a lie in WWII days if I was harboring a Jew in my house in order to protect them from Nazi Germany? You bet I would! That is an exceptional case.
While these two cases above are quite dramatic, could I say that there would ever be a time that I feel like it would be better to lie to my wife in order to protect her? I hope not. But I don't want to rigidly say no, never... And I also don't want to create a rigid culture that makes it too difficult for someone to question their own values in exceptional circumstances...