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Old 07-05-2011, 11:27 AM
Confused101 Confused101 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
Default In need of advice

Hi everyone so... I've scanned through the forums and haven't found a situation close to my own. I'd like to describe the relationship I'm in and then perhaps ask if anyone could suggest some advice.

I recently (a few months back) got back together with the love of my life. We had separated a few years ago and had since moved to different countries. Getting back together was the best thing that could have happened for me. I love her deeply. We are currently involved in a long distance relationship. We see each other every other weekend and are going from strength to strength.

We got back together rather suddenly a few months back and we both indicated that we had "unfinished business" in our respective lives. She told me without much detail that she was seeing a girl from time to time and she said that she would like to continue this if I was comfortable. I agreed, thinking that I would enjoy the freedom also, especially with the distance involved.

So, this brings us to last week. While I was over visiting, she sat me down and said she needed to tell me something. She revealed that the girl in question was her best friend and that it was more than simply a physical affair but there were very strong feelings involved. Not only this but her friends boyfriend was also involved as a secondary.

I am naive when it comes to this kind of thing and it took me some time to process. I love her very much and want her to be happy so I accepted all that she told me and tried to be as supportive as I could.

(I have been reading around the polyamory blogs et.c. so forgive me if i misuse any terms.) She has said that she is committed to me as her primary and that what she has with her friend (and bf) is a very loving secondary relationship. She told me that everyone agreed that mine and her relationship was the most important thing and that if I felt uncomfortable at any time she would be monogamous with me. We both agreed to leave the conversation as open as it could possibly be. She also said that she didn't want to know any details if I decided to get involved with anyone.

I returned home shortly after. We are in constant contact so I knew when she was seeing the other couple. I experienced acute jealousy. It was particularly unpleasant when she stayed the night with them. It felt worryingly similar to how I felt when my first girlfriend publicly cheated on me. I waited until the next day and we spoke at length. She said she had no idea I would feel like this. I was skeptical.

I tried to deal with the negative feelings by reading up on these sorts of situations, examining closely the trigger and root of the jealousy. There were times when I was selfish and perhaps was only after reassurance. The problem is this. She is getting extremely stressed and panicky whenever I bring it up. She is in a high pressure job and it seems whenever we start talking about this her work grinds to a halt which in turn causes more stress. I fully admit that I may have been inconsiderate when choosing the timing of these conversations et.c. but now I feel like I can't bring it up without hurting her.

I apologise for the rambling message, this is the first time I've "put pen to paper".

The problem has been, when I read through forums and blogs about how to exist in a polyamorous relationship, it seems my situation isn't covered. My situation as I see it is this; we are not a couple who decide to be polyamorous, it 's that I unknowingly joined a pre-existing one as a primary but wasn't aware of this until I was deeply in love.

The most important thing for me is the relationship I have with the love of my life. Her happiness is very important to me. Not least because, if she's happy we're happy.

When I've explored the idea of monogamy she's gotten very upset so I would like to come to terms with the status quo.

Please help I'm really confused. Thank you in advance. Peace and Love to you all x
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