Maybe this is caused by my own amazement.
I still can't get the whole picture. How is it even possible that this works? How can there be such a strong feeling like love in a way that affects more then one person exclusively? It is difficult enough to experience the love and all of it's aspects for one person; how the hell could it be possible to develop and handle this twice?!
The perspectives I already know add to this confusion. My best friend is ahead of me. He already got this mess kind of cleared. He was able to trade the positive gains against the negative ones and has found his ground to stand on in this. He knows that he will be jealous, that he needs to overcome this in order to make this work. And he seems to be confident that he can actually make this happen. He is such an optimist, it sometimes frustrates me. Why can't I see things like he is able to see them? Being optimistic doesn't mean he leaves out the traps and pitfalls he can imagine, but he just focuses on the positive sides to get his mind set.
I asked him: What could be positive about this 'arrangement'? Why would you give up your idea of what your life should be like for it and are determined to find another? He said that it isn't just the love for me, it is the friendship he feels for Sward. They are connecting really well.
Same answer has been given from my husband. He likes Lin, they started to talk for hours already and he thinks, that some positive input has been inserted by Lin regarding our marriage. Like: We quarrel, I spoke to Lin (times when best friend status was still there), he gave another perspective, we talked again or the problem was already solved with this.
But even in a situation were they can give me their positive piece of minds, I am so defensive when it comes to uncertainties. I picture the worst to prepare myself for it. This is my easy way out. I am literally driving my friend insane with this trait. He thinks he has to smooth me and tell me that everything will be o.k. Quite natural reaction I think, but I can't explain to him that he is just experiencing my way of going through the options. I feel uncomfortable and nearly bound to know what could be in all this for me to handle and to face. Never would there be a way out of thinking, as long as I could think of another possibility that has not been explored by my mind yet.
Yes, I know how arduous this is, but even on the verge of losing too much sleep, crying till I am too exhausted to continue or getting myself down the spiral of my own negative thoughts, I can never stop. But mostly, while this happens, I am looking at my own actions and smirk in a corner of my mind. I know that I just have to get through with this to be satisfied. “Ah, me again.” if you want to phrase it; I can shrug my shoulders on the one occasion and tear my hair on the next one, but I am kind of used to it.
On the other hand, I get easily lost in positive thoughts. They inspire my greed. If I want something and set my mind on it, I want it all. No exceptions or compromises.
It is a strange thing with my head and what is going on in there. I keep on thinking till I got the feeling I have revised and gone through all options. And then I come to a decision. And this one is fix. I would never back down on it. I am able to discuss it but it is really hard to get me to reconsider fundamentally.
Concerning the double standard, I think that's the reason why I can't picture myself in their position. Why I couldn't live with the thought of sharing them with another person and claim them just for myself the other way round. Because I came to this decision already. It took me three and a half year to realise my needs concerning my best friend. The final decision concerning my husband took five years. Maybe it is time to make myself reconsider. But I just don't know how.
Why all this rambling? Because I feel that I owe them to be a partner who is coherent at least. And that I am not at this point in time. All should be treated equally, but I am just asking without granting and that can't be right.