After the first confusion left me, I tried to imagine what the reactions would be like. An what has bugged me most till now was a special realisation about my own double standards. While I was trying to imagine what my husband would have to say about my coming to terms of loving two men, I tried to imagine his reaction based on my possible one. What would I actually do when confronted with my “one and only” saying out of the blue: I love another person. I still love you, but there is just another one.
And I know that I would never be able to tolerate this at first. I would be possessive, furious, irrational, outraged, hurt, scared, terrified and what not. Even though right now I myself feel that it is possible, that none of them is missing parts of my love or the maximum I am able to give, I am utterly incapable of turning this around and seeing them in my shoes as well as me in theirs. If one of them would say this to me, I would still feel threatened. And this part is just so damn illogical.
How can I ask them, with a pure conscience, to come to terms with my wishes ( or just, with me) if I would be unable to grant them the same in a case vice versa? How self-serving can one be? I mean, I am asking them to change their standards concerning family and future for my sake.
I can grasp this notion logically. No problem. I see all the dangers ahead, I can tell how difficult it is for them to “grant” me the freedom I am asking for and 'to believe' in my words. Just because I know how difficult it would be for me. They told me they can't comprehend how it would feel like to love two. I wouldn't have been able to imagine how this feels if I hadn't experienced it myself.
Can one still be “mono” when actually being “poly”? I kind of get the feeling that my thoughts are on a different level than my feelings and that my feelings are more logical than my thoughts. But the moment I put them together they blow up and everything is just a part of the whole, with me in the middle trying to align the pieces while the instruction manual is written in a language I don't know.
How to combine knowledge and emotion? I know I love my husband. I know I love my best friend. I know I want them in my life unconditionally. I know I want them to understand that they mean this to me and that I am not searching in some weird ways what one is missing within the other or what ever strange assumptions one could make in this regard. And now comes the BUT: I know I would be jealous if I were in their shoes. I know I would try to secure what I had before. I would search for flaws. What did I do to cause this, why does he feel the need to develop this feelings, where did I encourage this reaction, how could he dare to belittle me with putting another one right next to me … I am so damn possessive and a real hypocrite at times ...
This is were Sward and Lin are so much faster than I could ever be. I want to reach this point but I do not really know how.