Thread: Emotional Triad
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Old 07-04-2011, 12:56 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
eek, there is that "lifestyle" word again! Poly isn't a lifestyle so much as its an identity... it isn't something that you can go away for the weekend and do like swinging... its how most of us function on a day today basis because baby we were born this way... I know, that could be seen as "lifestyle" but some people get offended by the word as it indicates that we are , well,,, primarily, swingers and not poly.

To me I see it like my sexual identity. I am pansexual, and that is NOT a lifestyle, its something I was born with. I didn't chose it.

Make sense?
Yes, I understand what you are saying. I don't know that either myself or her husband are pansexual, and yet we both understand that you can love more than one person. Apparently, she does not, although we didn't realize it at the outset. She had no problem with sexual threesomes or vees up until she realized we loved each other. So, it appears that under her rules we can love each other, but not have sex; or we can have sex, but not love each other. We can't have both.

Her willingness to easily engage in sex play confused us. We thought love would only make the whole thing better; not worse. Instead it's become "if you love AND have sex with her, you must not want to be married to me."

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
So you are not a triad by technical terms then? You are a Vee it seems to me. And then I would wonder if you are actually a roomate as the fulfilment of the sexual aspect of your relationship dynamic seems to of vanished.

Of course you can have a non-sexual relationship, but in terms of clarity for yourself, what do you think? It doesn't sound like you are okay with that. What are you planning on doing to rectify the situation? Will you approach them in the future to change that up? Is it temporary this situation sexually?
That is the $64,000 question. :-) I don't see it changing, but he does.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It's only been five months right? Are you sure you didn't move in too fast? That is REALLY fast for a relationship of such dynamic to move in together. Sometimes things work themselves out if there is more pacing. Then again, there seems to be a complete stop of sex, so that might be the "slowing down" that was needed... I could see how this might change in time or the relationship aspect of your arrangement end.
Her husband seems to believe that given time, things will work out. I'm willing to give it time. That said, my personality is such that I always need to figure out how I'm going to cope with a worst case scenario. While yes, I'm am feeling the lack of physical intimacy, he and I are still very connected mentally and emotionally. Ironically, I have a deeper level of trust and connection with him than I've ever had before in my life. (One of God's little jokes, right?) And I think that is the crux of the matter of with him. He loves his wife, no doubt about it. That said, because of who they are personality-wise, he does not always get the connection he needs from her. I'm not sure he realized it until he met me, but now he knows something was lacking. Perhaps, she realized it too.

The thing she doesn't understand is that by denying us, she has actually weakened her bond with him. Whereas if she permitted at least the vee, he'd be happier and more able to appreciate her.

As for my part, this is the thing that screws me up ~ do I give up the best mental-emotional connection I've ever experienced in hopes of finding someone somewhat compatible for sex? Or remain celibate my entire life? I don't see either happening. I'm trying to find middle ground, which seems impossible.

I appreciate you conversing with me about this. It all seems so complicated and a bit tawdry at this point.

(Oh and I noticed a thread about MBTI personality types here. If it clarifies anything, he and I are both INTJs and she's ISFJ.)
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