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Old 07-03-2011, 10:10 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I wish that we could split houses, but we have two children, and one is disabled it is very hard to go days at a time without another adult there to help me. I am very willing to stay home while they go out on dates two nights a week, even more.

Whats important I guess to know is that he practically lives with us already. He is at our house EVERYDAY. He spends many nights at our house. He comes on trips, he is at BBQs, family events all of that. He is never told that he can't come or that he is not invited.

He has been told to come by the house when ever he wants, and he takes full advantage.

He talks a lot about his needs not being met, because he doesn't live with us. I think he is mistaken about why his needs are not met. Living with us he will probably only find that less of his needs are being met.

Am I preventing him from getting his needs met, if he is not living with us?

It's one of the reasons why I question more if its the person, or just the ability for me to live with one of my partners BF's.....

I get a long great with this guy, but I frequently tell him having him around is like having another child. I say it jokingly but I really mean it. He pouts when he is not getting attention, even when its attention directed at the children. He causes a great deal of drama when he doesn't get his way.

I just find him to be really annoying I guess.

I want to get over thoes kinds of things about his personality and just say its not a big deal, who is he hurting? ....yet its one key factor in me not wanting to live with him.

The other problem is that we all see the idea of "living together" meaning something different as well....

I tend to look at it as meaning a long term commitment, of sorts....

My partner grew up in a community where she had many brothers and sisters, and several different adult role models, or even parents. Her parents owned a 30 room house. They took in travelers and families. She had different people in and out all the time. She loved many of them, but she never knew how long people where going to be there, days, weeks, months, some families lived there for years. So she feels like if someone lives with her she is no more commited, and no less committed than she would be at any other time.

She also really loves how she grew up. She said that she always had friends, and always had adults around to take interest in what she was doing her hobbies, and all of that so she always had someone to relate too.

She talks a lot about wanting to have this type of life again. About building more houses on our property, and having family and friends live there. That I really wouldn't mind. Being that we both live far from our families.

I know that B (that is what I will call BF) sees it as a bigger comitment as well. He talks about what he wants to change when and if he moves in and so forth. Now I am not saying he shouldnt have say in house rules and so forth, but he is refering to more of how he wants his relationship to change. For example, because her and I have an agreement that she will not date women, he wants her to say that if he moves in she will not see other men.

For her and I this not really an agreement, its actually her perefence not to be with other women, not my rule, although I admit its one I have grown to like : )

If she doesn't want to see other men I think that is fine. If it is what she wants, but she has expressed to me that its not really what she wants.

I know B wants "equality" I think that is why he desires to move in so much, and wanting equality is very understandable. I am just not sure moving in is going to get it for him.

Likewise does he want equality or control? I suppose that is a loaded question...

My partner really hasn't put any pressure on my in fact she hasn't mentioned it in like two months. I think I am putting the pressure on myself.....she says she will be happy either way. I know he won't be happy if I say no, but he doesn't know that she has asked me to think about it. We don't want to get his hopes up. We also don't want him to blame me. So we just tell him that it is too soon right now, and that we all need to be ready to talk about it all together, and that we are not.
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