Hah, yes, I see that contradiction. Thing is, we've had....urrr....3 group settings, and every time has been different, Vanilla is desperately trying to adjust to my flailing, and I know that's a tall order. That is why we are doing it on wednesday, with the main agenda being "order of conduct", where everyone gets to say what they want and need.
When I said 10-15 seconds, my point was not pr hour, or anything like that. I understand that it's unnatural and in a lot of ways painful to "fake" an interest, to try to balance her love and make me feel happy. I have been under the insane assumption (and hope?) that she *wanted* to be supercuddly and tight with both of us, but I never thought of *asking* her if that was what she actually wanted, until...a day or two ago, or today, days are like weeks now.
I just assumed (very dangerous trait I have) that "I want to have a relationship with both of you" meant that she wanted to express her love in the exact same manner. She can not possibly reflect the NRE-intensity to me, I understand that now, after we actually talked about it, so it's now in my hands to describe what I actually want, and what I can handle in a group setting.
I realise that it's not going to gradually change into a lovefest, it's going to change into what our level of every day affection is, possibly a little more. We are more cuddly in every day life though, I certainly have learnt to appreciate her more, and some of the cuddle-NRE spills over, wonderful stuff!
I have always been laidback, happy-go-lucky with things, just assuming things will work out, but I realise that mono-poly relationship is NOT something I can take lightly, and I have to be better at stating my needs, and have actually realistic ones, not ones where she bubbles with NRE for me as well.
Mono engaged to poly VanillaCrazyCake
Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.