No, seriously, we did.
This is officially a how-do-you-do-it-poll on behalf of myself. A quick recap of setting and timeline:
Partner came out as poly 4 weeks ago, has intense and full set of feelings for a close friend of us, he reciprocated in full, 2 weeks ago he became her boyfriend, and 1 week ago I let all boundaries go, letting them explore their new relationship freely.
Now, I have a difficult time with 3some-settings with us, because I have issues (assorted, deep and old, abandonement, replacement, being left out etc) which come up when I see them together. Or rather, not when I see them together, but when they melt into each other, which really IS just lovely, but I'm "left out".
They have pretty intense NRE, (obviously, after letting loose 7-8 months of love), and I always feel in the way (and I am, cause they can't be "normal" around me, seeing I have issues, and so on). I already miss our group settings cause it is always fun when we do stuff together, and we make an impressive team.
I see from other threads how some people just stay away, others ignore their partners and let loose whatever feelings they have, often hurting the primary. Others again seem to have very polite and strict rules.
Now, I truly truly understand that the poly in a new relationship has no way of mirroring the same focus towards their primary as a new secondary, in a group-setting. At most, the NRE can spill over on the primary, in a group cuddle. I know I focus a lot on the future of things, of having them both around me (again, issues, I have them), and I am extremely uncertain how to approach this. Should I not arrange group-things, and let them have their relationship quietly, or should I "work" on myself by arranging it, and having them gradually be more and more open around me?
So, finally, my simple (and completely unintelligible, lost in ranting) poll is:
How do/did "you guys" do it?
- Do you avoid group-settings?
- Are the poly and secondary able to completely be free around the primary?
- How "far" has the primary come in acceptance for that to be possible?
- Does group-setting HELP a primary deal with the actual relationship, or does that come first?
No need for essays, just personal experiences, short tidbits on arrangements, timelines, etc, if possible.
This became a lot more of a rant than the easy poll I formed when walking the dog. Maybe I shouldn't click Submit new thread. Or actually, while people shake their heads about this post, I will make a list of what I *want* to happen in a group setting. There's a start!