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Old 07-02-2011, 09:01 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bergen, Norway
Posts: 79

Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I had good help today by a friend, and my partner's sister actually. That helped, but today has been very long and tiring. She has been gone since 10-11 this morning, and I'll go to pick her up at his place in a few minutes. Might have been a bit much with 12 hours, feels painful and bad, but still, I am SO looking forward to seeing her again, kissing her forehead and just hold her. I know she is calm and peaceful at his place, and it helps to know she's happy. This has definitely made me appreciate her more, that's at least something for the plus-side...
That was wednesday, and it went great, really great. She was sooo happy to see me, I felt SO important and loved, we cuddled a bit and then drove off home where we continued cuddling and talked a lot, and her NRE really spilled over on me it felt fantastic. Some of that positivity lasted til thursday, when we also talked, positively, about the progress.
Then we "tried again" friday, she was gone from five-ish til I picked her up at midnight. Sadly, she had manage to mute her phone, so the usual arrangement of text-warning of proximity and last text to say I'm outside failed. I tried to call, she didn't pick up and my mind started racing. Interestingly though, it didn't jump to sex, it went with "they've fallen asleep on the sofa" instead....go figure. Finally I rang the doorbell, and she came out, hurriedly. I got pretty stressed from the situation, she got *very* stressed, and no NRE was brought home, just a bunch of worries and what-ifs...but hey, we're still alive. Not a complete waste of a day, cause something "scary" happened. I couldn't get hold of her, and still I didn't freak out, although I probably oozed nervousness when she came out. :-(

What I seem to have the biggest problem with now is the sharing, in the sense that every step they take together now, particularly erotically, are steps I remember very well, even 13 years ago, and they mean so much to me it's hard work to NOT get hurt and diminish my own value for them.
Can anyone recommend any books or "tools" to help me establish a certain security in myself? I really really want to get this to work, I *need* to get this to work, and I need to eventually get this to work in a group setting. I know we're just a month into this, but how do I get rid of that nagging neanderthal pain of "Dude, what's he doing with your girl??", if ever? I try to replace it with my pure love for my partner, but it still hurts when it happens.
Am I just being insecure or might there be other powers at play?
Mono engaged to poly VanillaCrazyCake

Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.
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