I am now the second (a female) in what I would define as an emotional triad with a married hetero couple. We began as a full triad, but it has not worked thus far.
Our triad did not come about because any of us were seeking the lifestyle. I'm a long time friend of the wife. She is with her second husband. I did not get to know him until recently because life took the wife and I in separate directions for a long period of time (years). According to her husband, within the first day of meeting me, he felt we were kindred spirits. He pursued me. And within a very short time, I could see in him what he saw in me: our minds work exactly the same. I can't begin to describe what a delight that it is. I can tell what he is thinking far better than his wife of over a decade, because if I'm thinking it, he's thinking it too. And there is the fact that while their marriage seems to function well enough, they at near opposite ends of the spectrum in how they interpret life.
In the past, they've had a couple of sexual threesomes. In the one that was more long term, the wife had a strong bond with the other female, while the husband's bond was more peripheral. Given that experience, the husband thought our new triad would be fantastic, as the wife and I already had a bond and he and I have a bond too. What he failed to consider (as did I) is that our situation is far different than their previous experience because of the strong bond he and I have.
Instead, the wife felt betrayed, inadequate, feared he would leave her (he'd probably die first, but her first husband did leave her), etc. That said, she never took out her distress on me. I offered to leave, but neither of them wanted that. Nor did I really.
He and I discontinued sex to give them time to regroup with the hope we could resume at some point. They have now again achieved their previous state of harmony, but the wife still wants nothing to do with the triad. (I think at heart she is a traditionalist despite her sexual ventures.) In the interim my bond with the husband has only deepened, and now that the wife's insecurity is abating, she and I are closer than ever.
We function emotionally as a triad. There are so many benefits to three working to maintain a household. I love everything about it ~ except for the fact that, to put it crudely, I'm not getting laid. The thing of it is, at this point, I cannot picture my life without them. I love both of them that much.
The husband is hopeful that eventually he and I will still get our shot. As he said to me the other day, "I love my wife, and I love you for entirely different reasons that have nothing to do with her." I am able to give him some things that his wife does not; but likewise, I cannot give him what she does. I accept this. She accepts it as long as he and I do not have sex. I can't fathom the reason for his optimism, but at this point I'm not yet overly concerned about the lack of physical intimacy in my life. We have been together only five months, (although it seems much longer).
In the event that sex really is off the table forever, I'm entertaining the idea of maintaining our emotional triad and yet finding someone else to fulfill me sexually. As I am really a novice to the polyamory lifestyle, this seems ungodly complicated.
Has anybody else found themselves in this rather awkward position? I would appreciate hearing all thoughts, experiences, insights, or advice.
(Btw, neither the wife nor I are bisexual.)
Last edited by bookbug; 07-01-2011 at 04:34 PM.