This woman seems to suck your energy. Why are you with her? I don't get why anyone would be worth staying with if she spoke to me that way. I think I would invite her to a course on how to communicate, find a counsellor that is knowledgeable in how to communicate and send/pay for her to go to anger management classes. She is one class act Drama Queen; complete with passive aggressive manipulation... geesh. unappealing.
I think its awesome you are not rewarding her behaviour towards you by following her to tell her you want her. What you are saying in that moment is that it's okay for her to call you names. No wonder its sticking!
I think if I were in your situation I would do as I said above about learning new communication skills, and go ahead and plan weddings to my hearts content. This is her shit, not yours. Not that you have a right to be cold about it, but you could be loving and tender when you put it all back on her, with words such as, "sweety, I can see you are having a hard time with this, it means so much to me that I can do what I love. I hope you will find a way to adjust. Please let me know how that goes for you."
You might want to do some reading on secondaries. She's a classic example of a secondary not getting her needs met. I wonder what more can be learned from that? There is some good threads here if you do a tag search for "secondary" one of which is about a secondaries bill of rights. It might help to read that and see if there is something more you can do to help her feel more a part of your dynamic.
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