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Old 06-30-2011, 06:44 PM
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Catalyst Catalyst is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 18
Default Part Two

Part Two . . .

Let’s see, after I started 1st and 2nd grades, I kept some of the same BF’s, but also lost a few and added some different ones. I became a little more aware of differences in levels of love – I wasn’t sure of the terminology yet, of course, I was only 7 and 8, but I felt love and support and companionship for some, while I felt undying devotion or sweet twitterpation for others, so obviously there was some sort of delineation between the emotions. I also learned that I could be myself – completely, utterly myself – around these boys, and that they still accepted me just as I was. It was a delightful, joyous, innocent time.

BF’s – still saw J and M for regular play dates as well as daily at school and after, and I developed fast friendships (and crushes) with T1, R and B. (J is actually my very best friend still to this day – I love him like a brother I never had, and would do anything for him – though this is definitely not full on “romantic” love in my definition, I completely identify it as a committed, loving relationship). Then – from out of nowhere – came D. We fell hard and fast – for 7 year olds. But it was mutual and it was love as we knew it. We spent every moment together that we possibly could. We made plans for the future, we played on the playground, we played after school, and we practically lived together all summer long – he was even my first kiss, quietly sneaked one day at recess in a playground enclosure when the TA wasn’t paying attention. This went on blissfully through 3rd grade, until the bomb was dropped – his parents were moving to Seattle. It was a repeat of the situation with T – I was heartbroken. I felt like I was losing a piece of myself. I felt like a piece was being ripped out of me. This time around, I at least had a very supportive group around me, but it still felt like a limb was being ripped away – I was a puzzle and pieces were being removed by an uncaring hand, desperately needing to be replaced. J and I grew much closer during this time – this is probably the situation that cemented our friendship into the solid foundation that it has today – I will always love him for that.

I also developed friendships with some females that have been both long term and short term. I found the dichotomy with females much different for the first part of my life than later – maybe in part due to the impact of the societal brainwashing – there was a distinct air of competition between us. Not necessarily competition for boys, but competition to be leader; competition to be listened to and revered. I also think this may have been because I was the product of a second marriage (my dad had kids from before, and he was 20 years older than my mom, so I was the youngest and the only all rolled into one) – I liked to be in charge, the one setting the rules, the one looked up to, because I felt that I was this way naturally. So I tended to become friends with females who were not necessarily as strong willed as I am, those who were unsurprisingly more nurturing and comfortable in the follower roles. If I butt heads with someone, chances were pretty good that she and I would not remain friends for very long, but if I could be the “big sister” to her “little sister” then I had a lifelong friend. (I am still this way with my few female friends.) GF’s – beginning during this time SH, SA, SH1, KI, HO, HE, KA and KA1.

At this point – 3rd and 4th grades – the societal brainwashing began to take on a more earnest and brutal approach as others participated in cruel teasing and bullying. BF’s became potential liabilities rather than cherished friendships, so my time spent with them became that much more valuable, so . . . I began to become a little more picky and selective, and perhaps a little more mono by default, though this felt somehow forced and uncomfortable (and I still wasn’t aware of all of the connotations of all of this at this age). I started hearing the nasty childhood rhyme “C & J sitting in a tree . . . “, and to me it indicated such a great disrespect for the relationship. (Furthermore, I noticed that girls were much less accepting and understanding of me and my personality than boys – I couldn’t just be myself around them, so I was more inclined to spend time with my BF’s rather than my GF’s. It was more comfortable for me, and it is something that has remained more comfortable for me to this day – men are less catty, less back-stabbing, less out for themselves – they just are, and therefore I can just be as well.) I think I also started building emotional walls at this juncture, and distancing myself from others, increasing the difficulty later in life for success of any of my relationships. (BTW, I overanalyze EVERYTHING – majored in Psych for three years before I changed my major, and I am also in therapy, so I guess it is kind of a habit.)

Okay – more later.

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" Ru Paul
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