Thread: I'm exhausted
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:26 PM
koihugs koihugs is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 5
Default I'm exhausted

Hi all,

I apologize for being a bit of a lurker and then springing out with an issue.

I seek... something understanding, open poly ears. I'm so lost.

In the end this may not be a poly issue. It may just be different personalities. I am in a triad, it's my husband, our girlfriend and me (i'm a woman). We began the triad about 3 years ago, we are currently preparing for a wedding ceremony.

I officiate weddings. People who know me know I do it, so I get somewhat regular requests to perform ceremonies. My girlfriend feels the weight of the marriage between my husband and I and hurts her intensely.

For me the commitment is between the people in it, I wouldn't have gotten married to my husband if I didn't need the insurance for our child because the commitment for me to him doesn't need the Church or State to make it real.

It's not for the State or Church to preside over, so for me being able to officiate, and being asked by my social circle to do so, is a bit of a form of subversiveness. It's my way of fighting the system from within the system. I've performed 6 ceremonies and all but 1 knew that i was in a triad. It's an example of how I "fight the man" by inclusion, not exclusion. If someone or something is hurting I try to be more inclusive, not less. I invite everyone to the party, because I know how it hurts to be left out.

But it breaks my gfs heart that I do this. I guess her party is the one of legal marriage which, if she stays with my husband and I she will never have. She says my actions by performing these ceremonies hurt her. I really get the imagery of when I officiate I punch her in the stomach. She's called me a backstabber, a liar, a bullshitter, and a traitor in the heat of the moment in a recent argument.

I am a woman of action, to my detriment at times. I feel I pursued my gf too hard. That this differentness that comes with being in a triad while she says it's her choice and she chose it, that well... I think she carries resentment toward me for it. Last night she chose to sleep apart from me, and hasn't spoken to me since. Normally as a doer, as a pursuer I would reach out to her, to say that I want her, to tell her something comforting, whatever I could think of. But I just can't right now... I can't seem to find the energy to do it. After all those words she used last night, after all the times I've forgiven her for name calling me in the past in the heat of the moment, I'm just... tired.

I'm left with the thought that she really does think of me as a backstabber, and a traitor, and a liar. I'm sorry for hurting her, she tells me again in the heat of the moment how she's sacrificed for this relationship, and I guess she thinks in fairness I should make this sacrifice to her.

In the end I can give it up, for now. I am fine not performing anymore ceremonies for a while. But there's this part of me that screams against doing that. I can't tell if it's stubbornness or... trueness to myself.

I'm so tired. I think of myself as a genuine person, I really strive for that. It's not the first time she's called me names in the heat of the moment, another time it was cheater, backstabber, etc (for having sex with my husband, which by definition of our triad is acceptable).

It feels to me like the marriage certificate is the thing that is most important to her. It means very little to me.

I'm very hopeless right now. Normally I chase after her and tell her everything is going to be alright and reassure her that I want her. And while I have done that, reassured her that I want her, I just can't chase after her. It's like this last time these names have really stuck. THIS is how she really feels about me or something.

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired and lost and overwhelmed.

And there's still so much to do in preparation for the wedding, sad haha on that one. I'm assuming it's still proceeding, but what the hell do I know.

Ms. Koi
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