Back in the first year my partenr and I were together and group sex didn't have a pile of bad experiences on my mind, I remember him saying something about there being no such thing as receiving a gay BJ. I asked him about his stance on that. Would he be interested in a guy joining us? He said he'd experimented a bit in his teens, some touching and kissing but not more than that. He and a GF had had a threesome with another guy that didn't include any sex between he and the guy and that it was not a good experience. Very vague about why it had not gone well. For some reason, he had to leave the room to take care of something and they had just gone on without him. How he expressed this was that in theory, he had no problem with homosexual overtones and it would only be fair if I was willing to have group play with antoher woman, that he also be willing to have group play with another guy. I was for it then but he was not. Back then would have been a great time to share his bisexuality because when I first asked if he wanted that I had no issue about him exploring it. My impression of his sexuality was not firm in my mind and since he said he had had some mild experience with it, I thought it likely would be a part of it to some extent.
His excuses were: very rarely attracted to men, knew no one he trusted for that kind of group play, didn't want his last experience repeated.
So it never happened but bad outcomes of group play with women did. As I lost interest in it I also began to feel he was being unfair. No guy he trusted for this? - but despite repeated back outcomes with group play with women - to trust them or not trust them was never a factor to him. This is where I felt a guarded commodity on the subject of reciprocity. It seemed TO HIM men were a threat and women couldn't ever be. I got tired of bad outcomes and the vibe that women were a sexually ineffectual risk to him compared to men.
It was around this time as well that he shared he was into a poly relationship standard. I took that poorly too at first. OH I don't want to have group play with women anymore so you want a relationshop model where you can continue without me? The hedonistic times stopped and we almost split up. I suddenly had more sexual hangups than ever before in my sexual life.
But we worked through them and after a handful of years I was ready to explore poly. Even had a threesome with a woman he was dating that - drum roll - went very poorly.
So I do really feel like I'm getting pushed at each stage of change and wondering what others of my personal comfort boundaries are next. Now its his sexual orientation. Yes I get angry. Jeesh! How much of the mess surrounding group play could have been avoided on road to accepting poly?
I feel like what really gets him going is doing my head in. You like group play? Cool me too! How about group play with a touch of unfair cock blocking due to me hiding my sexuality? No? Not into it anymore? How about I just see other women without you having to participate? No? What if we DADT? No? How about poly so you can have your fairness but not in my face? Sweet! Lets do that then.
I get a couple years of calm and suddenly.....
Oh BTW I'm into dudes and now that you got hangups about group play I want you to awkwardly participate while I show you everything about me I've hidden for years. Doesn't that sound fun? No? THIS IS WHY I HID IT FROM YOU; you don't accept my sexuality! Here is a guilt trip about my past struggles with my sexuality from before I even knew you. Also I have had sex with men and quite liked it but not telling you about it when you would have had less of a struggle with it just wasn't worth it to me.
I do appreciate the less judgmental responses. Its true I am really crap at explaining a situation clearly. Its a big part of the damamge my reactions cause. We have been talking and making good progress. I'm trying to not slow it by resting on what coulda woulda shoulda happened when. The smaller obstacle to this is - heh heh - we seem to have completely different taste in men.