Originally Posted by PaulFromNewOrleans
Frankly, you have developed feelings for someone behind your boyfriend's back...this is definitely not poly...this is a form of cheating...
Give it a break already.
This is not "cheating".
This is call "living". And "discovering" !
It's a difficult bridge we have to cross when we discover that we CAN have a connection to multiple people when our culture (monogamy) says we can't.
So like the OP - we don't know what to do. How to handle it. It's a real and serious quandary.
Depending on how open we are in general, how sensitive, we discover these POTENTIAL connections sooner.
What to recommend to the OP ?
I think it's time for some real discussion. Just exploration. She and her BF need to at least gain a better understanding of what poly is and involves. It doesn't mean anything will get acted on. But at least learning about and discussing it will put things on a good foundation.
work is trying to suppress it. Trying to make believe it doesn't exist. Burying your head in the sand only results in poor hearing because your ears are full of dirt
I do agree that we have to be on the alert for blind infatuation, physical attraction, etc. All the usual stuff that makes sense from being human. Obviously we don't throw away a good relationship for an unknown infatuation. That's just childish and irresponsible. But we also need to investigate what potential MIGHT be there in a safe way too. If not it will always eat at us like a cancer and often lead to bad choices down the road.
Sila, I think you and BF need to talk about the philosophy of polyamory - in a non threatening way. Just a joint exploration. He's said that he doesn't think it would 'be for him', but unless he's really studied it in some detail that's not even a fair assessment. We're always intimidated by what we don't know.
Give it a try !