Thanks for the warm welcome everyone! (And thanks HMA, Iím very glad to see that Iím not the only one going through this!) All of your feedback is very much appreciated.
I have no delusions that this will be simple. Weíre just beginning and the emotional toll that it has taken on me so far has been overwhelming, to say the very least. But Iím just trying to take it one day at a time. And each day is testing my resolveÖ
Yesterday was quite a challenge. In a nutshell, I believe that everything that happens to us in life is meant to teach us something or prepare us for something. And lately Iíve been alternating between struggling with the idea of how this can work and pushing HB away. Well, yesterday I realized that all of my thoughts, feelings, and actions have been occurring to make me realize exactly what I DO want, recognize how terrible I feel when HB is not around, and by using that, to give me the strength to stand against anything that would try to destroy what we have. So, that breakthrough was quite exciting, as I felt empowered to withstand anything.
And then HB put it to the test last nightÖand things didnít go that well.
Yesterday HB told his mom about me (us) (she kinda already knew, but had a few details wrong). He didnít plan to tell her, not this soon, but apparently she was asking quite a few questions about his plans this weekend (heís coming out to see us), and he didnít want to lie to her. She knew about me, had assumed I was married, and incorrectly assumed my marriage was on the rocks and I was getting divorced. So when HB explained to her about our situation, she was really not happy about it at all. From what I gathered, she needs some time to absorb it (TOTALLY understandable), but doubts whether she can ever accept it. (And of course she doesnít like it that he has decided to move to NY.)
When HB told me last night that ďshe knows,Ē even though I thought I was prepared for anything, well, I realized I wasnít. I felt sooo sick. Weíre talking through it though. I DID try to talk him into going a more ďnormalĒ route in life, for his own sanity and simplicity in his life. He wonít hear of it. He is determined to make this work. I admire him for that. Alot. And Iím glad he has that strength in him. I know Iím going to need to lean on that strength quite a bit.
The one big thing that I struggled with is that, in everything I do, I like to make the least amount of negative impact. I try so hard not to hurt people. And yet I can tell from what HB said that his mom is hurting from what he told her. And I know my parents and Techís parents are going to hurt too. And I donít want that. I donít understand how they could be hurt when what the three of us have together is so wonderful. And knowing that my actions are causing them any kind of pain, well, itís difficult for me to live with that. I keep trying to remember HBís words: we canít live OUR lives THEIR way just to make THEM happy.
Well, Iíll end this for now. Itís long enough as it is. Iím sure more will be coming soon.