Scared I might be Poly
Before I offend anyone, I'm going to preface this by saying that no, I don't have any problem with polyamory or people being polyamorus. Its just, in the situation I'm in it would be a pretty bad thing.
I'm in a relationship going on two years with the most amazing guy. He's wonderful, funny, tries to be understanding even when he can't understand, loves me like crazy he's my safe place in my life and I love him so much.
But then I started having feelings for other guys too. It doesn't happen with many other people, but the first one was back in January. I got talking to this guy I knew through mutual acquaintances and we exchanged gamer tags just to have some more people to play with. Then we got talking. It was really nice, I hadn't really been able to have a personal conversation with anyone but my boyfriend in a while. We had a lot in common, felt the same about a lot of things etc. Then we met again in person a while later and I came to the terrifying realization that I really liked him. He was good looking, sweet, considerate, liked a lot of the same things, it was kind of overwhelming. This went on for months, and while I was going through a lot of other stuff too, this made me feel even worse. It was like a double punch to the gut.
First there was the guilt. Here I had this amazing guy, who loved me, who'd done so much for me, who'd always been there for me, even when that meant a three hour bus ride to show up at my door when I was having a panic attack, who I love, and I felt like I was betraying him. I was having feelings, sexual, emotional, etc, for this other guy, even having dreams about him sometimes.
Then there was the other side. I felt trapped, every time I saw this guy or talked to him or had those feelings, I really wanted to even have the choice to act on them, not like go off and jump their bones, but try that feeling of closeness and intimacy that I was feeling the longing for. I felt trapped, and I could even feel that edging on resentment, which I hate. I felt like it was pushing me away from the guy I loved.
I tried to shut it away, forget about it, stamp it out, but I couldn't, and so went about four months. At one point I told my boyfriend that I liked this guy, maybe not how much, but I just couldn't keep it in anymore. He gave me a hug, said it was okay, that he loved me, and had his one moment of, you're not leaving me for [insert name here] are you? I said no, I loved him. And we left it there. And that helped for a couple days, then it started getting worse again. It wasn't all the time, but it would pop up at the most frustrating times...
Well I haven't heard from or talked to this guy in ages. I felt the loss of someone who could have at least been a good friend, but I was moving home (I went to school overseas) so it was a good bet I wouldn't see much of him anyways...I thought maybe I could just forget about it and move on. It even worked a little, became something that just would occasionally pop into my head at annoying times, but not be quite the same gnawing feeling.
Then it happened again. I met someone who at first it was just like, you're awesome, I like you a lot, we should hang out more. Then we spent a bunch of time together, talked a lot, got on really well, and I felt it happening again. And all those feelings came back, the guilt, the feelings of being trapped, all of it. Except this is a guy I see several times a week, want to hang out with more just because I like his company.
I don't even know what I want when I get these feelings. I don't even think I'm really looking for another boyfriend, per se, because I love my guy. I think that someday I even want to marry him and have kids with them and all that. But there's just this part of me that want's to see where these other things could lead. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend because I have these things forever hanging in my mind as regrets and what ifs.
My boyfriend isn't the jealous type, never has been, but during a conversation with a bunch of our friends a while back he said he didn't think he could do the polyamory thing, that it just wasn't for him. He's going through a really hard time right now, as he moved with me when I left college and is starting school here. I'm what's keeping him sane right now. I see the look on his face when he tells me he loves me, and how much I mean to him, and when he hugs me and I just see how hurt he would be if I told him this. But at the same time, I can feel this starting to eat away at me, and at my side of our relationship. I'm terrified that whatever way I go I'll lose him. And I don't want to hurt him. I really don't want to hurt him I love him so much.
I had a conversation with a friend recently about polyamory. He's polyamorus, but when I heard him talking about his girlfriend who he'd been with for seven years, loved like crazy and had even proposed to, it was the first time that I thought that might be what was happening to me. But I'm so scared, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, and I don't want to lose him. And I'm just scared in general. The whole idea was something that I'd never really thought of before.
I've spent the past couple nights reading the threads here, trying to figure out what this whole poly thing is, and I finally got up the courage to post.
Please, help me. I don't know what to do.